Lessons Learned Studying Abroad

For a long time, I have always wanted to study abroad. It was appealing to me, because it is meant to be an immersive, educational experience. I applied, got accepted, and joined a group that was primarily future social workers and nurses, mostly in their early twenties and white. I was the only black woman and the oldest student to be part of this cohort. This would intimidate many, but I though, why not take on a new challenge. I could learn so much on a trip with a bunch of twenty-year olds. I was right and wrong.

Here are some of the lessons learned during my trip to Finland:

They have the energy of bunny rabbits.

Watching them go from educational activities in the day to social activities at night almost without breaks exhausted me. Our days were packed by our sister college, who did a great job of hosting us, so I found it amazing how their social battery never seemed to die out. I, on the other handed needed time to recuperate. I learned to stay in my lane, and when I was able to join them, I did.

They’re cliquish—which I guess is the norm for young adults.

I was part of two group chats, but I later discovered there were many more subchats I wasn’t included in. It became visible when we sometimes had free time before a group dinner and people managed to disperse in what seemed like a well coordinated fashion without informing me. It worked in my favor, because it allowed me to spend time exploring Helsinki on my own without the constant chatter. 

Someone who will test you.

Due to fatigue, chronic illness and simply being more reserved in large groups, I didn’t realize I was becoming more quiet. That frustrated a young woman who expressed feeling confused by my “sudden” quietness. I stated very early on that I need a little more recovery time from our packed and busy days, so yes, sometimes, I will be more quiet. If my quietness can lead to irritation and the need to vocalize that irritation, I do not think that the problem is me.

I realized as a black woman, I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

While being confronted, I realized there is no resolve with people who are hellbent on misunderstanding you. As a black woman, if you’re loud, you’re ghetto, if you’re reserved, you may be deemed stand-offish. I leaned into my wisdom and decided that I will not perform to satisfy anyone’s need for immediate closeness, which seemed to be the issue here. 

In certain settings, it is best to choose silence.

Sometimes, silence is best, because your physical and psychological safety depends on it. I understood my surroundings and chose the safest route of grey rocking—a psychological self defense tactic of emotional detachment and brief communication that is meant for self preservation. At this point, I simply documented the behaviors in the event of and invested my energy into my peace. 

When they exclude you, stay excluded.

If you feel like you’re being excluded, you very likely are. The last thing you should to do is confront the offending parties. Thankfully, I have the superpowers of being unbothered and knowing how to stay in a good mood. I am my own best friend and I enjoy my own company,. This allowed me to happily explore the city, where I met amazing people on my adventures, which made for a more exciting time. 

When you know who you are, no one can rock your world.

I am a migrant, the daughter of a single mother, a divorced mom, friend to many, lover of humanity and staunch advocate for the disadvantaged and marginalized. I have had many experiences, some of which could have destroyed me, but here I am, still standing tall. My self identity is built on what I think of myself, not what others perceive me as. As a Black woman living on this planet, you learn to navigate and survive without completely falling apart.

I wish more Black girls and women were able to experience study abroad.

Studying abroad can be expensive. Since we are not a monolith, I know some of us are having these experiences while other Black families may not have the resources for this experience. Nonetheless, I would love to see more Black girls and women represented in these spaces. Improving diversity in the study abroad pool can potentially help make for a better experience.

I had a wonderful experience despite the small challenges. It just illuminated issues I was initially concerned about, but it was worth every small discomfort. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Will I ever do it again? No.

Would you ever study abroad as a woman in your forties?