Parenting When You Come From a Low-Effort Family

About three years ago, I made the decision to move from NYC to Upstate NY. I lived in Brooklyn, surrounded by biological family, some of whom I grew up with in my home country. Their physical presence did not translate into an emotional connection. It remained that way, even into the birth of my first and second child. There was minimal contact. A rare visit to drop off diapers and arrange a play date. The rest were non existent.

The suburbs had been calling my name for a while. My well being was on the decline as I was developing severe anxiety in the city. I was an overwhelmed mom of two children who just wanted a fresh start and quicker access to nature, much like the environment fo my childhood. There was nothing was tying me here, so I high tailed it out of there.

Recently, I came across a video by therapist and Youth Practitioner Dorcas Opoku talking about low-effort families. I connected immediately and recognized this is what I had been experiencing all those years—I just did not have a word for it.

I dug a little deeper and discovered that the term low-effort family was popularized by psychologist Dr. Sherrie Campbell. It is a dysfunctional family system where members make minimal emotional investment by offering the bare minimum in support, interest, and connection. They act out of convenience rather than genuine care.

Unfortunately, with that dynamic comes immense disappointment. At some point, you eventually learn to reciprocate the energy you receive. Simply put, it feels like a form of passive-aggressive rejection and the only way to deal with that is to widen and deepen the ocean.

With that said, I got to thinking, what does parenting look like for someone who comes from a low effort family?

You grieve. Then you accept. The first step with a low-effort family, is to match their energy. There is no way a round it. By doing so, I was able to create distance without an explanation, especially since I tried to create connection. Most of the time, this will naturally occur, because low-effort families may not even notice or care that you no longer communicate with.

My efforts came in the form of creating a family group chat and trying to organize a family trip. The chat was quickly ruined and no one bit into my idea, so it was dead on arrival. At some point, you have to be honest with yourself about the lack of reciprocation, because this wasn’t it.

The inevitable choice is separation. This is when grief starts, an inevitable part of the whole process. There will be moments when you look at other families—ones that show up, call often, gather easily—and it stings. Not because you don’t understand your reality, but because you do.

You work through these feelings and eventually get to a place of acceptance. You make space for the love they refuse to give and allow yourself to be nurtured by people who will show up in a more healthy dynamic.

There will no forced peace, no pretending it doesn’t hurt, but rather you choosing not to chase what isn’t choosing you. 

You parent without the village. We were never designed to parent alone as a society. This is the part no one romanticizes. Parenting without a built-in support is a heavy responsibility, one I would wish for no anyone. It challenges you mentally, emotionally and physically when there’s no rotating help and no automatic community to lean on. But there is also clarity.

You just show up everyday, because your children are watching how you move in relationships. They are learning what love looks like, not just in what you say, but in what you tolerate.

I am having an honest revelation about the way I am. Part of the reason why I have gotten so strong about keeping people out who do not want to actively participate in my life, is because I saw my mother tolerate a lot in the name of maintaining ties with biological family. Experiencing changed me, and I promised myself that I would never allow my children to endure that unnecessary hurt.

Staying in low-effort relationships teaches them that love can be inconsistent. Choosing distance, on the other hand, teaches them that love should feel like presence. Like effort. Like care.

You become intentional about who gets access. Naturally as a parent, you are the center of your children’s life. As a parent who has lost community with your low-effort family, you are pretty much all they have. This may feel daunting, but it is also a space that allows you to choose who becomes part of your children’s lives.

I have to admit, I momentarily experience sadness sometimes when I think about the fact that my children do not know their cousins, aunts and other family members are, and do not have the network that I once had. But then you think about the fact that you get to determine who has access to them.

As chief of this small village, you get to choose your child(ren)’s village. What you are building is rooted in consistency, safety and love that shows up. This reduces the kind of disappointment that you encountered and serves as fuel for you to parent from a place of actively prioritizing your child(ren)’s emotional needs.

You get to define what family is. There is a point where family stops being about who is related to you and more about who shows up. In our home, things are simple. Birthdays don’t come with a house full of relatives. There aren’t calls, cards, or surprise gifts from extended family, but there is love.

Because of this, I have placed emphasis on building our own family traditions that belong to our little unit—quiet, intentional, and full. I bake their cakes every year. We have a family dinner with the honoree’s favorite dishes. We respect requests for quiet birthdays and ones celebrated with friends who have become like family. We celebrate in ways that feel meaningful to us.

And over time, you realize something. Your children don’t feel like they’re missing anything…because they’re not.  

You nurture sibling bond. One of the most intentional choices I make is helping my children build a strong relationship with each other. I model empathy and fairness and guide them through conflict with the goal of preserving and not damaging their connection. The same care I pour into them individually is the care I encourage them to give one another. You avoid comparison, celebrate individuality and build traditions that strengthen their bond.

You praise and encourage their efforts to show each other acts of kindness, both big and small. You reinforce this behavior, because it is those moments that shape how they will love others for the rest of their lives. They won’t exist like passing ships in the night, but develop enough emotional intelligence to be intentional in their relationships starting from their immediate family.

Watching their relationship grow is one of the most healing things I’ve experienced. I am encouraged to continue on this path. If not for me, then for them.

How do you navigate coming from a low effort family?