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As the number of divorces surge in the New Year, there will be more men and women seeking healing. In honor of National Divorce Day on January 4, I have invited a woman on this journey to contribute. This is one woman’s story in her own words. "Divorced?!! No way?" “I would never believe that you two would ever break up.” “What did he do? What happened? Why couldn't you guys work it out, at least for the kids?" These were the multitude of questions that were asked the day that I announced my divorce to family and friends. They were in disbelief and some had the "I told you so" looks and answers. Why? Because of the front that was placed whilst inside a storm that was brewing. The number of times that I had to justify my reason for divorcing. The emotional journey that I endured, molded me into a much stronger person, a divorcee, a mother, a woman. Many women before us fought for the rights to be able to end a marriage, but for some reason, there's still that stigma that comes with being a divorced woman. Then add in the kids and all of a sudden, you're in the very "undesirable" or over desirable (milf) groups . The day that I handed in my divorced papers was March 8th, Women's Day. I wasn't aware of the significance of the day until I placed it in my calendar. I had a sense of accomplishment overwhelm me and I thanked these brave women. I contemplated long and hard before I drew up the papers. My own questions barraged my daily thoughts and I feared the next steps of my life; unemployed, some savings and midway into my masters degree. I needed to breathe. There were days of countless arguments, there were days that I felt great about my decision and there were days where I couldn't crawl out of my fetal position from the floor in a pool of tears. I asked that my spouse leave. I had to reconcile my emotions. I wanted to think that I'm a good person, that I can forgive and forget the tumultuous road that I faced—the lies, the cheating, the abusive behaviors, until that one day I had to acknowledge the polar opposite of love, HATE. After a 16 hour shift, heading to my internship, running in the rain with no umbrella, aching bunions, missing my kids that I had to send away, whilst I pursued an education for a better income, seeing the bus about to approach the stop and I know I couldn't run anymore. I stopped dead in my tracks and realized that I am capable of hate. I was so in love, learned to love this man from childhood, did everything for him and our family, how could I possibly hate? Then I remember the saying that there's a thin line betwixt those two. I don't know when I crossed it—the same way you don't realize that you're falling in love but I was there. You don't want to speak about it; I mean what a horrible thing to feel right? Whatever shall I do with that emotion? It was eating me up and I refused to acknowledge the existence of it. That day, in the brightest pink jacket getting soaked through, I allowed hate to run through me, to feel the rage course through my veins, to feel the anger burning in my soul and let the tears burst, as the dark clouds above. That was the day that I knew that I couldn't go back and that the decision to leave this marriage was not only best for me but right for my children. We don't talk about these negative emotions, it's shunned upon to even think that it can possess us. You must be happy that this marriage is over, they say. Indeed you are but you must deal with every aspect of the mental collapse that comes with it, as well as the rising of a beautiful phoenix that must emerge after. Throughout my divorce, I had to be upfront with myself about every emotion that I had, in order to heal and move to a place of peace. That's the only way. I learnt fear, anxiety, grief, hatred, anger but I also learnt how to be brave, how to cry for cleansing, to be calm. I gained a deeper love of myself and believe it or not-my former husband, for giving me those life lessons. I am divorced. I am a woman and in my best Katy Perry imitation, "you're gonna hear me roar!" Share your own experiences! We would love to hear.

This week was a tough one. After the nation watched the events that unfolded on Capitol Hill, I think a lot of us feel further trauma of being reminded on a national level that some lives possess more value than others. I digress. Right now, I would like to be somewhere in the mountains or in a quiet town to just decompress and to center my spirit. Unfortunately, since so many of the activities that I would like to engage in with my girls are closed, I am going to stay local and take some time to engage in these five activities. Take warm baths. Nothing feels better and more soothing than hot water surrounding my skin. Lately, I’ve found baths to be the best thing for my fibromyalgia and my mind, so I am going to carve out time every night this weekend to take a bath with candlelights and maybe some wine. Catch up on my reading. I am going to try to get through as much of Tonya Sonya Renee’s The Body is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love. As I am on a journey of radical self love and not merely a compromising self-acceptance, I look forward to catching up on Miss Taylor has to teach. We all could use the boldness of authentic self-love. Journaling. I haven’t journaled in a while, but whatever I have lost in my own personal journal has been invested into Breathe by Bre. I want to get back to journaling again. There is a beautiful sense of release that journaling gives me. I want to lay it out there with pen and paper, rather than ruminate on things that simply live in my mind for free. Catching Up on TV Shows. I will be stuck catching up on the fourth time rewatching Monk , which to me is the all time best detective show ever. Murder mystery is my thing, so while I take care of all my household chores I watch to my heart’s content. That’s about the only time that I can watch or rather listen to any TV shows. 90 Day Fiancé has also become a new favorite and I plan on watching all the spin-offs. Sleep. I look forward to catching up on some well needed sleep this weekend and let others take on the responsibility of childcare for a change. Let’s see if I succeed. I want to give myself the gift of sleep and float away. So, what are your plans this weekend?

"Blood is thicker than water,” or so they say. The idea that family sticks through thick and thin should be in context and not applied with a broad brush. The expectation that you keep people around simply because you come from the same blood line in unrealistic and quite frankly traumatizing in some circumstances. As someone who has personally experienced the damage that a toxic family member can bring into your personal space, I know it is extremely devastating. I don’t take lightly the decision to have to completely detach from toxic family members, but there comes a point when enough is enough. 1. When they are abusive Abuse can come in many forms including physically, sexually, emotionally and psychologically. Having to endure any of this type of abuse is life altering and can leave so many scarred, requiring years of healing from the trauma. This is an utter violation and that should not be tolerated. Even if you may not be able to physically get away from the abuse in some circumstances, start by emotionally detaching. 2. When they repeatedly attack your reputation Every time you step out into this world, you are an ambassadors for yourself, and nothing is more devastating than having a family member actively work on destroying that. When this happens, you may feel tempted to question what you may have done to warrant such an attack, but most of the time, it really has nothing to do with with you. When the behavior happens repeatedly, it is time to severe ties, because it shows a complete lack or respect. You don’t need that. 3. When their gossip affects your livelihood It is one thing to tolerate gossip from a wagging tongue, but it is another when what was said affects your ability to take care of yourself or your family. Whether you’re an employee or a business owner, words are powerful and can have a truly devastating effect. This is when you exit stage left. 4. When they don’t respect the boundaries you’ve set You’ve taken the time to address your family member. You’ve expressed that their actions are a violation and going forward, they cannot behave in such a manner, but yet still, here you are again. A second time and a third time. How many more opportunities are you supposed to give someone to redeem themselves? Before they destroy you, protect yourself and your peace. 5. When being in their presence causes anxiety If all you try to do is avoid any kind of interaction with a family member whose mere presence either makes you shudder or send you into a rage, it’s time to move on. At this point, it is best to ask to not be invited to family gatherings if this individual is present. You may be sacrificing communication with other family members who do not understand your actions, but it is not meant for them to understand. This is meant to preserve yourself and there is never anything wrong with that. 6. When they attack your children For some toxic family, it doesn’t stop there. They explore the possibility of also attempting to wreak the same havoc to your children. It’s one thing to attack a solitary adult, but to now spew this toxic behavior to innocent children is beyond reprehensible. Children are not target practice for people who cannot control their actions or words. It is your responsibility as a parent to protect your child at all cost from any further abuse, especially if they are old enough to understand what is happening. Let it be a teachable moment. Always protect your peace, your joy and your happiness. You can now be free create a family of wonderful, nurturing people who we deem as great friends. Go on into the new year and be happy. Share some of your experiences about having to cut off toxic family.

Some things are better left unsaid, but it seems that for people with chronic illnesses, we hear a lot. Statistics show 6 in 10 adults in the US have a chronic disease . That is more than half the adult population, yet so many people are not well informed about chronic or invisible illnesses. When interacting with people who do not have a chronic illness, some of the statements may be well-intentioned, but the delivery is so poor, it creates a barrier. It is important then to look at some of this language and really try to see where that comes from. There is a need for more mindfulness and empathy when it comes to those afflicted with a chronic illness. Here are 5 examples of the kinds of interactions that happen frequently to people with invisible illnesses, and how the conversation can be turned around to show more empathy. 1. “I think it’s all in your mind.” What we hear: “You need a psychologist or psychiatrist." I am a staunch advocate for therapy, but when chronic illness flares happen, it’s not in our heads. Having someone say that makes you question whether it may be in your head. It took me almost 13 years to get diagnosed, because a doctor said that to me when my symptoms started at 13 years old. Having a friend or loved one say that has a similar effect. It is really not the place of anyone without a medical license to question that. Instead: “I hear you and I hope you get the answers that you need.” 2. “It could be worse.” What we hear: “At least you’re not dying.” or “Stop complaining.” I’m even guilty of using this one on myself. There is a reason why people with chronic illnesses are more susceptible to mental health issues. Living in constant pain is horrible and it epigenetically alters the brain. Even though we’re not dying from a visible illness, the degree of pain, isolation, anxiety and all the other issues that come with having a chronic illness are horrible. Try not to invalidate very real pain that is happening. Instead: “I am here to listen if you want to talk” or “It has to be difficult dealing with the pain.” 3. “You should try…. It worked for me” We hear: “You haven’t tried everything to make this go away. It’s your fault.” This one gets to me the most. Because the idea is that people with chronic illnesses just sit there and do nothing to better the situation. Even worse is that as people keep talking and go through the list of things like yoga, changing your diet, and a plethora of holistic approaches, you just keep praying they get off their soap box and maybe just ask questions instead. What worked for you may not work for someone else. Instead: “What have you tried that gives you relief?” or “Have you spoke to your doctor about alternatives?” You can say “If there is an activity you want to try, I can join you.” 4. You’re probably just stressed We hear: “You’re not good at managing your life.” “You did this to yourself.” Everyone has stress, but not everyone has a chronic illness. That statement comes from a place of a lack of empathy, and it really comes off as a way to dismiss the sufferer. It is honestly annoying, especially when you are keeping your stress level down, or you can’t help the amount of stress that is present in your life. It really places all the blame on the individual. No one wants to be blamed for their stress, because some of these factors may be fully outside of your control. Instead: “How can I help?” or “That must be hard to deal with.” 5. “You don’t look sick” What we hear: “Are you sure this is real?”“Are you faking being sick?” “Do you just want sympathy?” Being sick has to be correlated with looking sick for it to seem real for most people. Much of it is a lack of information. Some of it is purely people set in their idea of what sickness looks like. Can we blame them? At the same time, you know your body best, so you don’t need to prove to friends and family that what you experience is real. No one would walk up to someone who has experienced some trauma and say, “You don’t look sick.” Instead: “ Tell me how I can help” or “I may not know everything about your illness, but I would like to know more.” Like most people with an illness that still isn’t fully understood, we’d prefer if you would ask questions, rather than give unsolicited advice. It’s okay to not always have the right words, but also hold back on the assumption that the sufferer hasn’t or isn’t doing enough to improve the effect of chronic disease. Do you suffer with a chronic illness? Share some of the worst things people have said to you?

There are always those few things in life that take you back to your childhood, and more often than not, it’s food. Sausages on toast was one of them. The real special touch was that sausages were sautéed with onions and bell peppers. Here’s the simple recipe. Sautéed sausages You’ll need: 2 sausages half a small onion half of a bell pepper 3/4-1 tablespoon vegetable oil 1-2 tablespoons ketchup a touch of black pepper (optional) Cut sausages diagonally or horizontally. Place vegetable oil, onion and pepper in a saucepan at medium heat. Sautée till onions become translucent. Add sausages, ketchup and black pepper (optional). Mix thoroughly for 3-4 minutes I usually serve on sourdough toast with soft scrambled eggs. You can make it your own. It’s simple, and every bite is delicious.

For a long time, my apartment didn’t feel like home. I have lived here for about a decade, and it’s a great space, but for some reason, I could not find my sweet spot. It started with two of us, expanded to four at its highest and went to three. It wasn’t because my home is only a little over 400 square feet, or that I still do not like the carpet after all these years. I realized that making a few simple changes helped me appreciate the gem that I have.   If you’re experiencing a similar feeling of your house not feeling like home, here are 7 ways to help bring in the positive energy that you want. 1. Find your style and build on it To create a more comfortable and cohesive space—whatever that means to you—it is really important to know your style. Otherwise, you’re just buying things to fill in the space, and not because it matches your style. Start by getting inspired. All designers are inspired by something or someone. Whether you start from scratch or continue what you’ve started it’s all about creating the atmosphere that you’re most comfortable in. I used the Havenly “ Find Your Style ” questionnaire which is a great resource and you don’t have to sign up for any services. 2. Send someone packing Oops!! Did I really say that? Yes I did. There is nothing worse than horrible energy in your home. It is quite unbearable to live with someone whose energy just negatively shifts everything. When you dread coming home, this is the sign that either you have to send someone packing or you need to pack and leave yourself. Leaving may be the only solution on the path to peace, even though change can be hard. 3. Rearrange furniture and storage Sometimes, all it takes is changing furniture around. The position of your furniture makes such a major difference in the appearance of a room and the flow of energy in that space. Moving your bed or the couch can help it feel more inviting and less cramped than it used to be. I’m not extremely into Feng Shui , but I think some of the basic principles are extremely useful in that it provides guidelines on how to create balance. I think that is what we all strive for in many respects. 4. Declutter My favorite thing in the entire world is decluttering. I will lose sleep over it, which is a subject for another day, but I believe in keeping things that I need, that spark joy and have meaningful memories. “No clutter in my home, no clutter in my heart, no clutter in my mind,”  are my organization and wellness motto. The process of cleansing and purging is therapeutic in so many ways, but it is such an emotional process for people who find it hard to let go of things. If you can’t do it on your own, seek the help of a family member, friend or professional organizer. It truly opens your eyes to the amount of stuff that we keep around us that should not be taking up space in our lives. Go ahead sis and throw away that picture of you and that ex from five years ago. You’ll thank me for it. 5. Find your signature scent Finding a signature scent can be another enticing way to create good energy. Our olfactory nerves are powerful in that a scent arouses emotions and memories. When you pick a scent for your home, you teach the brain to recognize the calm and warmth of being in the safe space. As you walk through the door, it should feel like a gentle hug and squeeze from someone you love. 6. Get some plants and/or flowers I am a plant mom to about twenty plants right now and I want to save every plant from the confines of a store, but I don’t have enough money or space. I encourage that if you don’t have any houseplants, start now. There are so many benefits to having indoor plants . Flowers also do a fantastic job of uplifting a room. So go ahead and rescue some flowers and plants from their temporary homes. Take them out of foster care and give them a happy place, because they will add to your joy. Whatever you’re into, I recommend that you truly enjoy its presence. 7. Change your wall art Displaying artwork can create a feeling of warmth and positivity. Take your time with this one. Careful planning and proper display of wall art may take some time. The placement is important and should tie in with the overall atmosphere that you’re hoping to achieve. Again, seek inspiration and do a trial run before placing them. Once it is all figured out and done, sit back and relax. You did it. Keep working on shifting the energy in your home and maintaining positivity. You deserve a place that radiates with calm and peace always. What are your tips for shifting the energy in your home?

It was Saturday. I was cranky and every inch of my body ached. She knocked on my door and said “Mom, come see this.” I wasn’t too excited to get up from resting my aching muscles, but I did. She walked me to the kitchen. She said, “Today is Mom Day, look.” She pointed to the calendar white board where she wrote in with a dry eraser “Mom Day.” Bless her heart for having the sense to use the right marker. It was the cutest thing ever. Liv also handed me a card that she made for me. She is always so thoughtful that sometimes I can’t help but hold and squeeze her. Saturday was declared my day off by Liv and I was sent away to rest on my bed. She insisted. How did I birth such an amazing human? I know, but I don’t want to toot my own horn. What are some of the sweetest things that your child/children have done for you?

For much of this week, I have been under the weather. It peaked today and I am trying to take all the vitamin C, elderberry and tea that I can handle. It’s an uphill battle and a feeling that I hope to be rid of by the end of the weekend. One of my focuses over the weekend is to create a blog post calendar that allows me to create more meaningful content that carries the themes I would like to discuss. With that said, I am working on being more vulnerable with you my readers, because I feel that I will create better content that way. This week, I rediscovered my Fitbit and read a great post by Mindi Masters 8 Steps to Reaching Your Wellness Potential . I have to say I used to be resistant to such devices, but it really has been a great addition to my wellness and wellbeing. I am able to see how I am doing on my sleep. I now do about four of the two to five minute breathing exercises per day. I am more conscious of centering my energy and really creating a calm and more peaceful feeling within myself. To help my body feel better and to even sleep, I have been doing the 15 minute Beginner Flexibility Routine from Tom Merrick. Also, the most healing video I have found lately that for anxiety that usually leaves me in tears is the Goodful 10-Minute Meditation for Anxiety . It is so soul cleansing that even if you don’t suffer from anxiety, it will help. After stretching and meditating, it’s a perfect time to put your feelings on paper. I find that things flow more easily after a good stretch and some meditation. Make use of that notebook or journal that has just sat in that back corner. Let’s all grab 2021 by the horns and really take charge of our physical, mental and emotional wellness. Please share! What are your wellness activities for the weekend?

I found out I was pregnant a few days before a trip to St.Lucia. I hadn’t been back to my home country in over ten years and I was excited to once again stand on the land that I once called home. It took three positive tests for me to believe that it was real. What an amazing send off! My then husband and I had been trying for almost a year. I saw my gynecologist before we decided to start trying to conceive and he confirmed that everything looked great. When we found out we were pregnant, we were about to hit that one year mark that would require another visit to his office to answer the question of what may be wrong. Apparently, nothing was wrong. It was just timing I guess. When I landed in St.Lucia, everything was fine. I was ready to take part in all the holiday activities and have a blast, but that came to a screeching halt about half way into my eight day vacation. I began spotting and I was terrified. I kept an eye on the bleeding as I counted down the days until I returned home. I knew that spotting could occur in the first trimester of a pregnancy, but that didn’t take away the worry at all. I was ready to go home. As soon as I landed at the airport, it was a mad dash to the hospital. I arrived at night and it was pouring rain. Thankfully, I live near one and I was able to go in and be seen quickly. It was discovered that that I had a subchorionic hematoma . Most women who do experience a subchorionic hematoma do go on to have normal pregnancies. I was scared, but all I could do was wait for it to heal and pray that I would not lose my little one. At that time, I was working a temp position that was supposed to lead to something permanent. I was making a career change from child care to working for a huge corporation. At almost three months into my pregnancy, I was due for a performance assessment, and was informed that the company was looking to put me in a role that would be beneficial to my long term goals. I was excited that they were pleased with my contribution and I was really looking forward to being there long-term. Shortly after my first trimester passed, anyone who knew me could see I was pregnant. I also experienced significant fatigue and it may have been visible to some, in spite of my attempt to create a facade. I figured since I was showing, I would inform my superior—a woman at that— of the news. That may have been a ridiculous mistake on my part, because by the end of that week, I was told I was no longer needed. Yes. I was informed I was no longer needed since it was the end of the contract. It went from, we would love to keep you, to we no longer need you, right after I broke the news. I think in an attempt to correct her mistake and possibly out of fear that I may take legal action—which I had no plans on doing—she arranged an interview with another hospital branch. It was a great opportunity and I thrived there. Unfortunately, the position was short-lived. While at the new position, I developed pregnancy induced hypothyroidism . I was taking medication for it and kept thinking, nothing else could possibly go wrong. Well, boy was I wrong. I went to one of my regularly scheduled appointments, and after the sonogram, while I sat alone in the doctor’s office, she said, “Today is your last day of work.” She pretty much stated if I wanted to get to full term, I would have to stop working, because as it turns out I had an incompetent cervix . She explained to me what it was, and the course of treatments that we could undertake. I was given a prescription for progesterone suppositories and I was obligated to be on bed rest till the end of my pregnancy. That would be the last day I worked at that position. There were signs of cervical insufficiency that included an immense amount of pressure on my cervix and pelvis. Every time I walked, it felt like I was going to give birth. Having someone say you are confined to a bed for the next four months, even for life saving reasons is nothing short of devastating. I am used to working, and to be home all this time made me depressed in the beginning. I spent only a few minutes at a time on my feet, which included getting food in the kitchen and personal care. I eventually got used to the monotony of my life. Another major pitfall was the loss of income, because I planned on working till eight months into the pregnancy. Unless you’re worth a couple hundred thousand dollars or more, living in a city like NYC, a setback like that becomes costly very quickly. We managed, but it was difficult to lose my stream of income with a baby on the way. In addition, any kind of intimacy went out the window for the fear of me going into preterm labor . Right at my twenty first week, things got worse. At that point I was attending appointments once a week. After a sonogram, I was told that I was going into preterm labor . I had no idea it was even happening. The suppositories apparently did not work, nor did the bed rest. I had to check in immediately to the hospital nearby where I was monitored overnight and scheduled for a cerclage in the morning. On an early March morning, at 2 cm dilated, I had my cervix stitched closed to help me make it to the end of the pregnancy. I was honestly at that point of being emotionally and physically drained. I felt trapped and I wanted out, even though I knew there was nothing more I wanted than my daughter in my arms. When I left the hospital, things felt better, since I knew there was almost no chance of me going into labor. I was still obligated to be on bed rest. I decided to enjoy the time that I got to rest and prepare for her arrival. At, 36 week, my cerclage was removed and a few days later, I went into labor. My daughter’s heart rate was decreasing and my blood pressure spiked, so an emergency c-section was needed. She was born a healthy baby in spite of all the hurdles I faced. I was so grateful for the outcome due to a great team of doctors and nurses. Experiencing such a difficult first pregnancy made me so grateful for my second, because it felt like a breeze. I was still always waiting for the ball to drop, but nothing catastrophic happened. As much as my doctor was concerned, because of my pregnancy history, nothing went wrong. I had not one single issue with my second child and I was so ecstatic. I had a successful VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean) , and here I am a mother of two happy and healthy children. I feel grateful. If you’ve had a similar experience of a difficult pregnancy, I would love to hear!

Challenges are a rite of passage that no one can escape. We all have our crosses to bear, and that usually means that we need healing at some point in our lives. It doesn’t matter how wealthy or beautiful you are, dealing with life’s hardships are never easy. Here are some healing quotes that honor your challenges and your healing.