At What Point Do Adults Lose Their Ability to Form New Friendships?

There’s something magical about how the simplest things in life can bring people together. A slice of pizza, a shared passion for art and literature, children, and the warmth of a growing friendship. A few months ago, my girls and I met up with my new acquaintance and her middle school-aged daughter at a local family-owned pizza shop near one of our favorite parks in our neighborhood. We got to indulge in some good pizza and conversation.

The girls and I came prepared with our art supplies in tow because, after all, we are serious painters at home. The kids gravitated to each other with such ease and chatted about school and the difficulties of navigating friendships in the way only children can. Meanwhile, the adults navigated the same subject with a little more humor and pessimism. While I sat at that table, I asked myself, "At what point do adults lose their ability to form new friendships as easily as children do?"

There’s a bittersweet magic to childhood friendships—the way they form effortlessly over shared art, a love for the same cartoon, or simply sitting next to each other at lunch. Somewhere along the way, though, this natural ease fades. Making new friends as an adult isn’t impossible, but it feels less like a spontaneous spark and more like an awkward slow burn.

But at what point does this shift happen? When do we go from forming friendships as easily as breathing to realizing that, suddenly, making new connections requires deliberate effort?

By the time we reach our 30s and beyond, friendships require much more intention.

The Friendship Curve: A Gradual Shift

Friendship researchers (yes, that’s a real thing!) suggest that our ability to make friends doesn’t disappear entirely—it simply evolves with life circumstances. In our late teens and early 20s, we experience a friendship era where college, first jobs, roommates, and frequent social events create an environment where friendships form naturally, largely due to constant proximity. By our mid-to-late 20s, however, a slow decline begins as people move for jobs, relationships become more serious, and social circles tighten. The idea of “going out just to meet new people” sounds appealing in theory but often loses to the comfort of Netflix and pajamas. By the time we reach our 30s and beyond, friendships require much more intention. With careers, families, and endless responsibilities in the mix, the effortless connections of youth are replaced by meticulously scheduled meetups, where making plans often means finding a rare free weekend six weeks in advance.

Deep friendships require openness, but adults tend to build walls.

Why does Making Friends get Harder?

As children, friendships form naturally through forced proximity—school, sports teams, and neighborhood playdates provide endless opportunities to bond, but as adults, however, there’s no built-in playground for making new connections. Our workplaces can be hit or miss for friendships, and hobbies require time that many don’t have. Even when the opportunity arises, the “effort vs. energy” dilemma comes into play—forming a friendship as an adult often feels like dating without the romance. It requires putting ourselves out there, finding common ground, and nurturing the relationship, but after long days of work, parenting, or managing a household, so many of us simply don’t have the energy to start fresh.

Over time, our priorities shift, and friendships that were once central to our lives gradually take a backseat to careers, family, and personal responsibilities. Many of us also experience the social circle lock-in, where we feel our friendship slots are already filled, or at least, our emotional bandwidth is stretched too thin to maintain new connections. Instead of expanding our circles, we focus on maintaining the friendships we already have. Vulnerability becomes even harder—deep friendships require openness, but many adults tend to build walls. There's such irony in the fact that while we tend to gain more confidence in ourselves as we age, we can become more socially self-conscious, causing fear of rejection, and a tendency to stick to small talk rather than sharing dreams and struggles. This makes it difficult to form the deep bonds that once came so easily.

How do Adults Actually Make New Friends?

Despite these challenges, making new friends as an adult is still possible—it just requires more effort and intention. Here are some ways adults successfully form friendships:

• One way to maintain connections is by embracing the “scheduled friendship”—spontaneous hangouts may be rare, but prioritizing friendships by planning regular meet-ups, even if it’s just a monthly coffee date, helps keep bonds strong.

• Another key approach is saying “yes” more often; while declining invitations is easy, accepting them—whether it’s a coworker’s happy hour, a community event, or a group outing—creates opportunities for new connections.

• Since childhood friendships often formed through shared environments, adults can find their modern-day playground by joining book clubs, fitness classes, parent groups, or online communities where natural connections can develop.

• However, building new friendships isn’t always necessary—sometimes, reconnecting with old friends can be just as fulfilling. A simple message like “Hey, I was thinking about you—how have you been?” can reopen meaningful relationships.

• Most importantly, being open and vulnerable is key to forming deeper bonds. True friendships don’t thrive on small talk alone but on shared experiences, genuine curiosity, and a willingness to be authentic. Taking small risks—whether it’s sharing something personal, offering help, or simply making the effort to connect—can turn acquaintances into lasting friends.

The Truth About Adult Friendships

There’s no exact age when forming new friendships becomes “hard,” but the shift is real. It happens gradually, as life fills with responsibilities and our social circles stabilize. But while it may not be effortless anymore, friendship remains just as essential to our well-being as ever.

The key isn’t to lament the loss of easy friendships—it’s to embrace the new way they form. With a little intention, a bit of bravery, and a few more scheduled coffee dates, deep and meaningful friendships are still within reach.

Photo by @loseyourself/Freepik

What about you? Have you found it harder to make friends as you’ve gotten older? Let’s talk in the comments. 😊