Coming to Terms With Slow Progress

If you asked my young self where I thought I would be at this point in my life, it most definitely wouldn't be where I am now. This isn't to say that I am not proud of my accomplishments in my little over forty years on this planet. It is moreso to highlight that progress has not had the steady pace I anticipated, and I know that there are many others who understand this journey. My young and inexperienced mind could not envision the many hurdles that I would have had to overcome to get to this point in my life.

I never imagined the United States of America would become my home when I moved here in my late teens. I didn't know I would later thwart a proposal from my first love to follow him to Europe. I didn't envision working as a full-time nanny who paid for school out of pocket as an international student, but still managed who graduate with honors. I didn't anticipate that I would make a move into corporate America and encounter my first dose of employment discrimination during my first pregnancy from a grandmother who gladly expressed having a grandchild on the way. I couldn't even begin to imagine how much having chronic illnesses would severely impact my ability to function daily. I think this last one hurt the most. There was so much that I was unprepared for navigating this life.

All these detours, delays, and disappointments I encountered came with so many unexpected lessons. Some of them I wasn't ready to accept, and others that allowed me to appreciate the road not taken. Reflecting on where I thought I’d be versus where I am has illuminated not only my struggles but also the resilience and adaptability I’ve developed along the way.

Facing the Disappointment of Unmet Goals

Not meeting some personal expectations can at times bring a unique kind of disappointment. Mine wasn't always rooted in self-comparison to peers who may have achieved certain milestones, but to the younger version of myself who believed certain goals were “givens.” As time went on from my late teens into my late twenties, the gap between my imagined life and my reality felt like a chasm—where I was still holding onto aspirations, but feeling like they were out of reach no matter how much I tried.

The even more challenging aspect of this gap is that it tends to coincide with the period where we're told where we should be—typically somewhere around that thirty-year mark. What is it about thirty? Is it because we're about halfway into our life expectancy of about sixty to seventy years old? I guess that may be it, but that can feel like immense pressure for so many. As much as I admire those who figure it out and accomplish their goals early, I wish I had given myself a little more grace around this time. Even for those who seem to have it all together, growth isn't linear and some of their goals may take a while to get to.

I remember an episode on Issa Rae's Insecure where Molly, a successful lawyer working toward partnership, was having a conversation with her therapist. She talked about the difficulties she was having navigating the "all-boys club" at work, and stated that if she works harder "everything should be fine." The therapist pauses the conversation and this exchange ensues.

Therapist: You say that a lot. “Should.” You frame a lot of things in your life with “should.” Have you noticed that?

Molly: *dismissively* No.

Therapist: Two weeks ago you said “things should be easier for me as a successful black woman.” And another time you said “things should’ve fallen into place by now.” Is there a certain way you think your life should go?

Molly: I mean, I do have specific life goals. And I think that, if you work hard it sho…..ought to yield certain results.

Therapist: There’s a medical term called “magical thinking.” When we believe what we want can influence the external world as opposed to accepting things how they are.

Molly fell into the trap that so many of us succumb to. It is that space where being “settled” or “established” is marked out as accomplished. But it is this sort of "magical thinking" that can bring a sense of angst and frustration, heavily impacting our mental health. We feel inadequate and not up to those imaginary standards that we and possibly others have set for us. This can be a natural point for self-reflection. Questions arise: Why do I want this? Is this goal for me or to influence how others perceive me? What are the goals I have achieved?

Our aspirations are shaped by limited experience, idealized narratives, and the influence of cultural expectations. In these moments, recognizing the arbitrary nature of these timelines can help lessen feelings of failure or inadequacy. Also appreciate the goals that have been met, while still being able to carve out a path to achieve unmet goals without engaging in an internal boxing match.

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Reassessing Success and Progress

One of the most empowering things I did was redefine what success looked like. By the fourth decade, most of us have the life experience to understand that success isn’t just about the tangible markers—the job, house, car, partner, and the two-point-five babies. Real success might be found in other, more personal areas of our lives: healthy relationships with family and friends, good physical health, a non-toxic work environment, and a strong sense of self-worth and identity among other things. It is usually these things that are the most meaningful and reshape how we think of success.

For instance, a stable career in an industry that brings genuine fulfillment may not be as glamorous as we once imagined, but it provides purpose and has immense value. For different people, there are different needs. As someone with multiple chronic illnesses, flexibility is the name of the game, so I chose to become a substitute teacher temporarily while I also pursue other ventures. This choice put me in a setting where I do not feel the least bit stressed out, while I utilize all the skills from my untraditional path. I am also extremely grateful to be able to do something as simple as picking up my children from school. I'm able to show up as a better version of myself.

In addition to redefining success, it was crucial to redefine progress. The human experience is one of ebb and flow. We all face setbacks and many persevere, with grit that traditional standards cannot measure. Relationships may not have panned out as we expected, but perhaps this has provided a deeper understanding of ourselves and what we need and deserve in relationships moving forward. That job did not work out, but maybe it helped give you a sense of direction to where you really want to be. Those small steps and missteps are signs of progress.

Sometimes, an unconventional path fosters deeper connections with others facing similar struggles. Reassessing our accomplishments can offer new insights, bringing a sense of satisfaction in areas that may have been overlooked.

Embracing Life’s Detours and Lessons Learned Along the Way

It’s tempting to focus on what’s missing when life veers from our expectations. Yet, many find that life’s unexpected turns come with their own rewards. Experiences we don’t plan for—like travel, moving to a new city, learning a skill, or discovering a passion—enrich our lives in ways that structured goals cannot.

As someone who has lived a life with some major detours, I've learned to appreciate every single one. There were times when I thought a detour caused me to regress, but I don't ever remember regretting my choices. My choice may have led to new relationships, opened doors to creative pursuits, and even brought about profound internal transformations. Detours are often accompanied by personal growth that can’t be easily quantified. Each twist and turn, though perhaps not “planned,” adds complexity to our stories, making it richer and more unique.

By the time you reach your forties like me, we likely carry a wealth of experiences that the younger version of ourselves could never have anticipated. These experiences—whether positive or challenging—form the basis of our wisdom, resilience, and adaptability. As we embrace these experiences as part of the journey, we can cultivate gratitude for the unexpected gifts that detours bring.

It is with time that the benefit of these lessons emerge. For example, we may realize that personal growth often comes not from success, but from the courage to confront failure, start over, or reimagine what we want for our lives. Even if the path to where I am wasn’t what I had in mind, the skills and insights I gained along the way are invaluable moving forward.

No one is behind. It is just taking some a little more time to get where they need to be.

Finding New Goals and Setting Meaningful Milestones

I believe that no one is behind and timelines are merely a suggestion. The realization that I may not be where I expected to be was both sobering and freeing. I may not have checked every box on my original life plan, but that moment provided an opportunity for me to set fresh goals that are more aligned with my values and experiences today.

In my forties, it’s often less about reaching arbitrary milestones and more about setting goals that truly matter to me. This means pursuing a new passion, deepening relationships, and prioritizing my well-being over external validation. I am no longer chasing a predetermined blueprint. I am now focused on crafting a life that feels fulfilling in the present, rather than just one that looks good on paper.

One of the most liberating lessons I've learned is that goals can evolve.

What once seemed essential at one point no longer resonates, and that’s okay. By letting go of rigid expectations, we make space for new aspirations—ones shaped by our lived experiences rather than youthful assumptions.

At this stage, success might mean choosing joy over obligation and embracing authenticity over approval. I love finding fulfillment in the small, everyday moments that make life meaningful. The path may not have unfolded as I planned, but that doesn’t mean it lacks purpose or value. Sometimes, the unexpected turns lead us to exactly where we need to be.

Feature photo Peter Lloyd/Unsplash