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This week was a tough one. After the nation watched the events that unfolded on Capitol Hill, I think a lot of us feel further trauma of being reminded on a national level that some lives possess more value than others. I digress. Right now, I would like to be somewhere in the mountains or in a quiet town to just decompress and to center my spirit. Unfortunately, since so many of the activities that I would like to engage in with my girls are closed, I am going to stay local and take some time to engage in these five activities. Take warm baths Nothing feels better and more soothing than hot water surrounding my skin. Lately, I’ve found baths to be the best thing for my fibromyalgia and my mind, so I am going to carve out time every night this weekend to take a bath with candlelights and maybe some wine. Catch up on my reading I am going to try to get through as much of Tonya Sonya Renee’s The Body is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love. As I am on a journey of radical self love and not merely a compromising self-acceptance, I look forward to catching up on Miss Taylor has to teach. We all could use the boldness of authentic self-love. Journaling I haven’t journaled in a while, but whatever I have lost in my own personal journal has been invested into Breathe by Bre. I want to get back to journaling again. There is a beautiful sense of release that journaling gives me. I want to lay it out there with pen and paper, rather than ruminate on things that simply live in my mind for free. Catching Up on TV Shows I will be stuck catching up on the fourth time rewatching Monk , which to me is the all time best detective show ever. Murder mystery is my thing, so while I take care of all my household chores I watch to my heart’s content. That’s about the only time that I can watch or rather listen to any TV shows. 90 Day Fiancé has also become a new favorite and I plan on watching all the spin-offs. Sleep I look forward to catching up on some well needed sleep this weekend and let others take on the responsibility of childcare for a change. Let’s see if I succeed. I want to give myself the gift of sleep and float away. So, what are your plans this weekend?

As the number of divorces surge in the New Year, there will be more men and women seeking healing. In honor of National Divorce Day on January 4, I have invited a woman on this journey to contribute. This is Dee’s story in her own words. "Divorced?!! No way?" “I would never believe that you two would ever break up.” “What did he do? What happened? Why couldn't you guys work it out, at least for the kids?" These were the multitude of questions that were asked the day that I announced my divorce to family and friends. They were in disbelief and some had the "I told you so" looks and answers. Why? Because of the front that was placed whilst inside a storm that was brewing. The number of times that I had to justify my reason for divorcing. The emotional journey that I endured, molded me into a much stronger person, a divorcee, a mother, a woman. Many women before us fought for the rights to be able to end a marriage, but for some reason, there's still that stigma that comes with being a divorced woman. Then add in the kids and all of a sudden, you're in the very "undesirable" or over desirable (milf) groups . The day that I handed in my divorced papers was March 8th, Women's Day. I wasn't aware of the significance of the day until I placed it in my calendar. I had a sense of accomplishment overwhelm me and I thanked these brave women. I contemplated long and hard before I drew up the papers. My own questions barraged my daily thoughts and I feared the next steps of my life; unemployed, some savings and midway into my masters degree. I needed to breathe. There were days of countless arguments, there were days that I felt great about my decision and there were days where I couldn't crawl out of my fetal position from the floor in a pool of tears. I asked that my spouse leave. I had to reconcile my emotions. I wanted to think that I'm a good person, that I can forgive and forget the tumultuous road that I faced—the lies, the cheating, the abusive behaviors, until that one day I had to acknowledge the polar opposite of love, HATE. After a 16 hour shift, heading to my internship, running in the rain with no umbrella, aching bunions, missing my kids that I had to send away, whilst I pursued an education for a better income, seeing the bus about to approach the stop and I know I couldn't run anymore. I stopped dead in my tracks and realized that I am capable of hate. I was so in love, learned to love this man from childhood, did everything for him and our family, how could I possibly hate? Then I remember the saying that there's a thin line betwixt those two. I don't know when I crossed it—the same way you don't realize that you're falling in love but I was there. You don't want to speak about it; I mean what a horrible thing to feel right? Whatever shall I do with that emotion? It was eating me up and I refused to acknowledge the existence of it. That day, in the brightest pink jacket getting soaked through, I allowed hate to run through me, to feel the rage course through my veins, to feel the anger burning in my soul and let the tears burst, as the dark clouds above. That was the day that I knew that I couldn't go back and that the decision to leave this marriage was not only best for me but right for my children. We don't talk about these negative emotions, it's shunned upon to even think that it can possess us. You must be happy that this marriage is over, they say. Indeed you are but you must deal with every aspect of the mental collapse that comes with it, as well as the rising of a beautiful phoenix that must emerge after. Throughout my divorce, I had to be upfront with myself about every emotion that I had, in order to heal and move to a place of peace. That's the only way. I learnt fear, anxiety, grief, hatred, anger but I also learnt how to be brave, how to cry for cleansing, to be calm. I gained a deeper love of myself and believe it or not-my former husband, for giving me those life lessons. I am divorced. I am a woman and in my best Katy Perry imitation, "you're gonna hear me roar!" Share your own experiences! We would love to hear.

It is New Year’s Eve and we are hours away from ringing in the new year. I feel like I am cautiously tiptoeing into it, because of all that has happened since March. Nonetheless, I want to take a moment to reflect on everything that 2020 taught me. This is a long post, so let’s dive in. 1. To be a little more open with the people around me, because I never know where help can come from I am not shy, but I am also not the most open person as it pertains to my life. It takes me a long time to trust people and for that reason, it takes me time to welcome them into my space. This year I’ve really had to challenge myself to be more open. The outpouring of love I have received from my mom friends has been amazing and I’m grateful for that. 2. I am a great friend and I honor and value my relationships This is year was a time of reconnecting. I had three friends from high school. Two of us lost touch for quite some time. I created a group chat and it has been a non stop circle of love, laughter and healing. I mean, the kinds of things we talk about in this group chat has no boundaries. We talk about eeeeeverythang, and I treasure that openness and honesty. We have matured so much and we are truly on a journey that I hope takes us into our sunset. I love these women. 3. I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for This year, I encountered so many mountains and had to make decisions that I did not think I would have to. I lost my cousin to COVID-19, and even more, I am realizing that the only person I can truly depend on is myself. Having encountered these loses, I am still going through the five stages of grief. Also, as someone who lives with a chronic illness, I live in frequent pain, where stress is a major contributing factor. The fact that I can wake up every day, grieve, heal, and be a great mom is amazing to me. 4. I need to make self care a high priority and it can be small acts I suck at self care. Putting my myself first is not my strength, but I have started making it more of a priority. I hope I can continue what I have started and really master carving time out for myself. It doesn’t have to be elaborate all the time, but can be something small and simple where you get time for you. 5. Healing is the best closure So often, we look outside ourselves for closure. We need someone to acknowledge and validate our feelings. Sometimes that isn’t always possible or realistic, so I am learning that the best kind of closure is healing these internal wounds. If you have the opportunity to voice your hurt, then by all means, however, I am going to keep doing the internal work. 6. I am a true homebody, so blame the introvert in me This pandemic has tested my limits, but one of the most amazing things I have been granted is the opportunity to work from home. That has been the ultimate wish. My wish came true, but under the wrong circumstances. Either way, I love being home and I do not miss the office one bit. 7. My life is not a productivity test Yes! It isn’t. It’s amazing how much focus we put on achievements and getting things done all the time that we can’t appreciate what is around us. I want to spend more time in the present and truly living. It’s not about all the activities for the day, but rather truly making the most out of every minute and filling it with joy. 8. It is okay to sit in my feelings and not implode I hate sitting with uncomfortable feelings. I feel like I am going to implode, and for that reason, I used to suppress and avoid it to avoid sitting in that hurt. I learned that it is okay to really acknowledge my feelings and honor them, get to the root of the problem and address it. If it requires some crying, I can do that. I just can’t avoid it. 9. My feelings don’t have to be mutually exclusive That is the beauty of being human. We are complex and complicated beings. A lion doesn’t question whether a zebra is a friend or dinner. He knows he/she is always dinner before the chase. Unlike a lion, it is possible as human to love someone but have no desire to be in their presence and that is okay. 10. I need to start being honest with my therapist So often, I feel I need to hide how I felt inside, to save face or not have uncomfortable conversations. I am also the first person to reach out to a therapist, yet sit in therapy and still act like I am okay. Like how is that possible? I am here to release and I’m still keeping things in. When I finally started to release, I felt better. I guess it was all in my own time. 11. I need to show myself more compassion I am someone with very high expectations of myself and I can put a lot of pressure on me. I am learning to cut myself some slack. Keep believing that I am worthy and enough, and that the child in me would not appreciate how I treat adult me. I need to just to acknowledge that I am only human. 12. I don’t always need to be in control all the time It’s fine to want to be organized and a planner like I am, but in these circumstances, it is okay to be flexible. It is great to have structure, but it is okay to loosen the reigns a little. kids will thank you for it. 13. I truly enjoy connecting with the people I love so a text does not cut it I know calling people seems like something of the past, but I love hearing the voices of those around me. You can lie to me in a text. You can’t lie to me over the phone. I’m a walking lie detector and very good at detecting the change in tone and pitch. It feels good hearing friends and family instead of through an impersonal text. 14. To protect the energy around myself and my children I always say, I will lose everyone before I lose my mind and I stand by that. Toxic people have a way of drawing the life out of anyone and in order to protect this limited resource, I will let go of unproductive relationships. Also, as the mother of a highly sensitive person and empath, I am even more aware it is my duty to also protect the energy around my children. 15. Letting go can be the opportunity for a new beginning So often, we think letting go of people marks the end, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be the beginning of something even better. Something where the individual is finally able to see me and hear me. What did you learn about yourself in 2020? Happy New Year!! 🎊🎈🎉

Earlier this year, I was required to do an impostor syndrome test and I scored extremely high, which isn't a good thing. I’ve been aware of these feelings, but the magnitude of it shocked me. Even worse is that I realized in addition to the general state of feeling like an impostor, I experience a more targeted kind of impostor syndrome. That specific area is in my mothering. I feel like a phony parent . Why, you may ask? There are many reasons, but before we get into that, let’s sort out what impostor syndrome is. The term was first coined by the clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in the 1970s, and is defined as a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity and incompetence despite evidence that you are skilled and successful . People who exhibit this syndrome frequently feel like frauds, and that they will eventually be found out, even though they are highly competent. This is me overall, but it’s even worse in my parenting. I am a great mother. I know that. I am attentive, engaging, loving, nurturing, kind, thoughtful, empathetic and I allow my children to feel like they have a voice, but somehow, I always feel like I am not doing enough. I always have a sense that there is something that I am missing, or something I can do better. The times when I have raised my voice at my children out of frustration, I feel horrible, even though it doesn’t happen frequently. I used to commute daily with my children on the subway and random strangers who I had no idea were watching would come up to compliment me on my parenting, in situations where most parents would have lost their shit. My neighbors frequently compliment me on how involved and active I am as a parent. They see me daily with my children and admire my commitment to being what they see as a great parent. I know it, but for some reason, I judge myself harshly in small mistakes and still feel like a fraud. I was a nanny for many years so I am more than capable and competent when it comes to being with children. I was prepared for this, but when it comes to my own, I feel someone may figure that I don’t know what the hell I am doing. But then again, what parent knows what they’re doing all the time? Unfortunately, I have to acknowledge that I have a slightly warped sense of parenting. I feel like I need to remain calm in all situations like some stepford wife . Yelling for me feels out of control and uncomfortable, and for that reason I have placed an enormous amount of pressure on myself to maintain an impossible amount of control. It hasn’t been productive. Ironically a few months ago, someone used the stepford wife analogy to describe me and I took some offense to it. Even though I said nothing in response to that, there was some truth to it. That I have to admit, even though I think the comparison is a bit extreme. I am slowly learning to combat these feelings, by being honest about the severity of my impostor syndrome and how it makes me feel as a parent. I have an amazing sister circle who listen and encourage, and also my therapist who reminds me of how much I do and to show myself compassion . I am learning to stave off self-doubt by trusting my decisions , because I do not take being a parent lightly. I bring the right attitude into my parenting and I am always willing to learn. I remind myself that tomorrow is an opportunity to do better and hopefully not repeat the mistakes of the days past. I am also working on knowing my value as a mother. I am learning to believe that I am enough . My children tell me so much how much they love me daily. They smother me with kisses and hugs daily. I see genuine happiness in them and I know that it is my display of love to them that shows them how to love me. I know that in the early part of the pandemic, these feelings were at an all time high for me. I have found that starting everyday with the words, “ Today is a great day and I am a great mother ,” have helped me believe in my heart that I am an amazing mother. If you struggle with parental impostor syndrome, I say to you, you are an amazing parent. If you still can’t shake off the feeling, seek out a therapist. You are enough.

What are your plans for the holidays? I plan on spending the morning making Christmas themed pancakes after the girls open their gifts, cook an amazing dinner and really enjoy my family. Since my mom can’t make it this year, we are having a FaceTime call when the girls are opening their presents. We’re keeping grandma safe, so that’s the most interaction that we’re getting for that day. For the first time, I’m attempting a Trinidadian corn pie . Corn pie made right is insanely delicious, and I plan on enjoying every single bite. I am also trying to catch up on a reread of the book Ms.Typed by Michelle Callahan and take my self care to the next level. I hope the holidays are as beautiful as you imagined.

It is undeniable the spiritual energy that reverberates around the globe around this time of year. Whether or not your energy flows towards Christmas, there can be some consensus that the holidays tend to bring out the best in many people. It raises the consciousness of community care. There are many people like my friend I’m about to introduce who respect the tradition of Christmas, but do not participate. Whether the celebration was part of their past or was never part of their spiritual beliefs, the ritual of Christmas can still be appreciated in some ways. Friend #3 Name: Tricia Beliefs: Afro Spirituality What does Christmas mean to you? Christmas used to be everything to me. Christmas used to be the moment where I spent time with my family. We didn’t necessarily always exchange gifts, but it was that period in time when you just reconnected. With it being tied to Christianity and also those ties to ‘ gifting ,’and who got what, and when and who was able to purchase more, there was this connection to capitalism that no longer read as important to me, and so to Christianity. I do believe that within this period, there is heightened spiritual energy and I do know that...I do recognize that Christianity did tap into all the ancient knowledges on what that period would mean. So in a nutshell, Christmas pretty much means nothing to me right now, especially considering I am away from my family most Christmases now. Does this time of year have any significance, and if so, what do you recognize at this time of year? The answer is no. It has become just a time that goes by. I think most important to me, and with this essence and sense of Christmas, I would say would be the period where Christianity celebrates Easter, which is actually what I consider to be the period of the new year. Again, with those spiritual lense. It is within Afro spirituality considered extremely important, that period of time. Not just Afro spirituality, specifically Hinduism also. So, that importance that was put on Christmas for me, I now put on that period of time. So that energy that I used to have for that period of year, I have transferred to that other period of year. Was it hard to let go of celebrating Christmas for your new beliefs? No, because I transitioned into knowledge. I keep trying to learn, trying to discover, so it’s kind of moving into a new space of self and therefore it’s like what was shed —I try to put it clearly ; it’s like shedding old skin, you no longer need the old skin. So, it was not difficult at all. Coming into new knowledge, there are some things that no longer seem or feel important. Thank you Trish for pouring your experience and insight about your spiritual journey. Photo by Suresh Natarajan

What are your plans for the weekend? On Saturday, I plan on dropping my kids to Nana's house. It's part of the self-care that I have needed so badly and a gift for finishing my bachelor’s degree. I am so happy and relieved. I submitted my last paper on Wednesday at 11:15 p.m. and I took a moment to exhale. I felt like I had been holding my breathe for a little over two years and now, I can finally breathe again. I thought about the moment when I would walk across the podium with my daughters watching me. COVID-19 has taken that moment away, but I know my accomplishment is not diminished. Now that I have come to the end of this journey, there are a few things I look forward to: Reading a book for pleasure Doing more meditation + yoga Not constantly feeling anxious about homework deadlines Sleeping There are so many mothers out there working, taking care of their children and home, and doing their best to finish degrees. You are amazing! You are diligent! You are strong and you are more capable than you know. Walk into the weekend giving yourself some well deserved self care, because I sure will. What are you up to this weekend?

Wouldn’t bathtime be great if the children remained calm, and allowed the warm water to soothe their itty bitty hearts? It would be great, but the reality is, sometimes it just doesn’t go like that. When faced with multiples especially, it can quite honestly be another place for chaos to ensue. So here are some of the ways that I keep the chaos at bay. Keep a routine Children respond well to structure and routine. It’s important to create a bath time routine so that they become familiar. It regulates their internal clock, so that bath time doesn’t become a struggle. Keep toys to a minimum Sounds counterproductive, but it really works. If you have one child, this may apply, but works even better with multiples. Give them toys that are almost identical, case in point, the connectors above. I can’t tell you the number of times I put in too many differing toys and my girls were screaming and crying about who gets what. With less toys, I have found it sparks their creativity and they get along better. Dim the lights Since you’re setting the mood for sleep, it is actually a great idea to start at bath time. If you have a dimmer, make use of it. If not, use flameless candles with lights outside the bathroom door on. To make it even more fun, add glow sticks. That’s always a hit. Play calming music The perfect pairing of calm music and dim lights can do the trick. In our household, we love the Moshi app and the Relax Melodies app. Create your own special mix for bath time Add color Add a few drops of food coloring to the bath water toward the end of bath time. My girls love the fact that they can request what color the water is and even get a chance to mix colors. Since I have been doing this, I have had no staining and please confirm whether your child may be allergic to food coloring before doing this. Provide grooming items Hand them items such as hair brushes and wash cloths (or whatever is used to wash their bodies) if they’re old enough to use them. It’s also a great way for them to start learning to use it on their toys. Create a safe space Making bath time a safe space is extremely important. Both of my girls hate water being poured over their heads. For this reason, I really walk them through what I am doing and we do the lean back approach. Whatever your child’s fears may be, take it into consideration and find a method that works for both of you. I wish all of us parents a happy and calm bath time.

It was about two years ago that I received a pothos from my mother. I loved it and I wondered why I had never had a houseplant, since moving into my apartment. From then on I’ve added many more plants and would highly recommend having indoor plants. So here are five reasons why you need plants in your life. 1, They're mood boosters Imagine how calm and relaxed and calm you feel after a walk in the park. It’s such a mood booster that you can imagine bringing all these elements indoors. Plants bring that energy and life that you feel among the trees while outdoors. I make it a habit to eat and work near my plants, because having a bit of nature near me indoors has the same effect of a walk in the park. It has a truly calming effect and makes you feel happy. 2. They're inexpensive Regardless of your choice of interior style, plants are an inexpensive way to make any home look great. Whether you’re a minimalist, maximalist or in between, we can all agree that plants add that extra touch. Unlike most design details, plants can be placed almost anywhere as long as they don’t pose a safety hazard. If you would really like to test your green thumb, try propagating your plants. Expand your collection while saving money. 3. They improve air quality Research by NASA shows that toxins can be tremendously reduced by houseplants within a twenty four hour period. Indoor air pollution can pose health issues, especially for individuals who have respiratory issues such as asthma. This truly was the motivation for expanding my collection of indoor plants. Plants absorb these harmful toxins and leave the air in your home cleaner. Improving the quality of air in your home is most certainly a major reason to have house plants. 4. They improve sleep There are many plants that are said to improve sleep, such as lavender, jasmine and snake plants to name a few. There is understandably a correlation to better sleep when air quality is improved. Better oxygen and even the mild scents of plants have the ability to create a calming atmosphere and induce sleep. Now tell me who doesn’t want better sleep. I really need to get a lavender plant. 5. They enhance well-being And finally, plants just improve your overall well being. Bringing more life into your home can help create a personal sanctuary, whether you live in a tiny apartment or a large home. It is so therapeutic to care for something outside yourself. There is something healing in the ritual of watering plants, tending to their soil and seeing them grow. It brings so much joy to wake up to them, because they bring me so much peace. Bring nature in. Bring life in. What do you enjoy about having plants in your home? What is the first plant you bought or received?

Yesterday, while working at my desk, my eyes strayed from the computer to enjoy a brief look outside my window. My home was quiet. No sound of laughter, no cries, no little human holding my face in her pudgy hands while planting kisses all over. It was my younger daughter’s first day at a great neighborhood day care center, where she will attend three days a week. As much as it pained me to hear her cry, I kissed and hugged her goodbye. I love having her at home, but I was getting to my breaking point. It was all just too much. When I was first given the news she was accepted, I felt a wave of regret, like “What have I done?” Maybe I made the wrong decision. The self-doubt hit me like a ton of bricks. I instantly hugged my daughter, who for several weeks had been talking about going to school. She missed her old school terribly, and she was sad every time we dropped off her sister to school. I wanted to call the school back to say, “I think I made a mistake,” but I simply held on to my little one. I hugged her and felt my heart snap like a crispy florentine by one of the contestants from The Great British Bake Off . If only it was followed by a dripping topping of mango coulis, would it capture what followed. Tears. Enjoying a break from work while making silly faces. At that moment, the universe reminded me that I gave birth to one of the sweetest little humans. She hugged me right back and said, “Mommy, don’t cry. I going to be okay,” in her sweetest three year old voice. Add that to her tiny arms wrapped around me, and her little soft hands patting my back. She had the power to erase a tsunami of life’s problems. I knew I would be okay, but having been home since March has made it very difficult to let go of her. I know for sure that having her home with me made it easier to let her sister go off to pre-k during these uncertain times. She made all of it easier. And now, after weeks of telling me how she misses her sister and school, I gave in and decided to let her go. I hate to admit it, but after dropping her off, at first I felt okay. I almost felt like I should be a little sadder after hearing her cries for me, but I knew that she was in good hands. Guilt, that unnecessary emotion, reared its ugly head, and I was starting to question everything. Am I doing this right? Should my girls be at school? Should I be taking my children out to the playground everyday? Should they be in school part time? Should I still have the occasional play date? Unfortunately, this is what COVID-19 has done to many parents. It has turned us into indecisive, fumbling messes, and if this is where you are at this point, I understand. I had to stop my brain from running amuck and remind myself that my children are happy and healthy. As mothers in this time, so much responsibility has been placed on us to get things right. Some are having to defend their decisions whether it is full time remote learning, or hybrid learning. Let’s just each trust that we have all made the right decisions for our families, our children and our sanity.