Motherhood Impostor Syndrome and Overcoming It

Earlier this year, I was required to do an impostor syndrome test and I scored extremely high. This isn't a good thing. I’ve long been aware of these feelings, but the magnitude of it shocked me.

In addition to the general state of feeling like an impostor most of the time, I experience a more niche kind of impostor syndrome that has to do with my mothering. I frequently feel like a phony parent even when I am giving my absolute best .

Why, you may ask? There are many reasons, but before we get into that, let’s sort out what impostor syndrome is.

The term was first coined by the clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in the 1970s. It is defined as a pervasive feeling of self-doubt, insecurity and incompetence despite evidence that you are skilled and successful.

People who exhibit this syndrome frequently feel like frauds, and that they will eventually be found out, even though they are highly competent. This is me overall, regarding not the way I show up for my children, but rather how my shortcomings magnify my small failures as a mother.

I am a great mother by all standards—I know that. I am attentive, engaging, loving, nurturing, kind, thoughtful, empathetic and I allow my children to feel like they have a voice, but somehow, I always feel like I am not enough or do not provide enough for them. I frequently have a sense that there is something that I am not hitting the mark on or I can do better.

This feeling is most prevalent when I have raised my voice at my children out of frustration. I feel horrible, even though it doesn’t happen frequently.

I used to commute daily with my children on NYC subway to get them to school. I was doing my best to hold it together in situations like crowded trains with agitated children or even during a happy conversation with my babies. Random strangers—not that I need their validation— would come up to compliment me on my parenting.

My neighbors would frequently compliment me on how involved I am with my children. Having an older West Indian women tell you that they admire your commitment to being a great mother is not easy to come by. Again, I am quiteaware of it, but for some reason, I judge myself harshly in small mistakes and still feel like a fraud.

I was a nanny for many years so I am more than capable and competent when it comes to being with children. I was prepared for this, but when it comes to my own, I feel someone may figure that I don’t know what the hell I am doing.

But then again, what parent knows what they’re doing all the time?

Unfortunately, I have to acknowledge that I have a slightly warped sense of parenting. I feel like I need to remain calm in all situations like some stepford wife. Yelling for me feels out of control and uncomfortable, and for that reason I have placed an enormous amount of pressure on myself to maintain an impossible amount of control. It hasn’t been productive.

Ironically a few months ago, someone used the stepford wife analogy to describe me and I took some offense to it. Even though I said nothing in response to that, there was some truth to it. That I have to admit, even though I think the comparison is a bit extreme.

I am slowly learning to combat these feelings, by being honest about the severity of my impostor syndrome and how it makes me feel as a parent. I have an amazing sister circle who listen and encourage, and also my therapist who reminds me of how much I do and to show myself compassion.

I am learning to stave off self-doubt by trusting my decisions, because I do not take being a parent lightly. I bring the right attitude into my parenting and I am always willing to learn. I remind myself that tomorrow is an opportunity to do better and hopefully not repeat the mistakes of the days past.

I am also working on knowing my value as a mother. I am learning to believe that I am enough. My children tell me so much how much they love me daily. They smother me with kisses and hugs daily. I see genuine happiness in them and I know that it is my display of love to them that shows them how to love me.

I know that in the early part of the pandemic, these feelings were at an all time high for me. I have found that starting everyday with the words, “Today is a great day and I am a great mother,” have helped me believe in my heart that I am an amazing mother.

If you struggle with parental impostor syndrome, I say to you, you are an amazing parent. If you still can’t shake off the feeling, seek out a therapist. You are enough.