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Some things are better left unsaid, but it seems that for people with chronic illnesses, we hear a lot. Statistics show 6 in 10 adults in the US have a chronic disease . That is more than half the adult population, yet so many people are not well informed about chronic or invisible illnesses. When interacting with people who do not have a chronic illness, some of the statements may be well-intentioned, but the delivery is so poor, it creates a barrier. It is important then to look at some of this language and really try to see where that comes from. There is a need for more mindfulness and empathy when it comes to those afflicted with a chronic illness. Here are 5 examples of the kinds of interactions that happen frequently to people with invisible illnesses, and how the conversation can be turned around to show more empathy. 1. “I think it’s all in your mind.” What we hear: “You need a psychologist or psychiatrist." I am a staunch advocate for therapy, but when chronic illness flares happen, it’s not in our heads. Having someone say that makes you question whether it may be in your head. It took me almost 13 years to get diagnosed, because a doctor said that to me when my symptoms started at 13 years old. Having a friend or loved one say that has a similar effect. It is really not the place of anyone without a medical license to question that. Instead: “I hear you and I hope you get the answers that you need.” 2. “It could be worse.” What we hear: “At least you’re not dying.” or “Stop complaining.” I’m even guilty of using this one on myself. There is a reason why people with chronic illnesses are more susceptible to mental health issues. Living in constant pain is horrible and it epigenetically alters the brain. Even though we’re not dying from a visible illness, the degree of pain, isolation, anxiety and all the other issues that come with having a chronic illness are horrible. Try not to invalidate very real pain that is happening. Instead: “I am here to listen if you want to talk” or “It has to be difficult dealing with the pain.” 3. “You should try…. It worked for me” We hear: “You haven’t tried everything to make this go away. It’s your fault.” This one gets to me the most. Because the idea is that people with chronic illnesses just sit there and do nothing to better the situation. Even worse is that as people keep talking and go through the list of things like yoga, changing your diet, and a plethora of holistic approaches, you just keep praying they get off their soap box and maybe just ask questions instead. What worked for you may not work for someone else. Instead: “What have you tried that gives you relief?” or “Have you spoke to your doctor about alternatives?” You can say “If there is an activity you want to try, I can join you.” 4. You’re probably just stressed We hear: “You’re not good at managing your life.” “You did this to yourself.” Everyone has stress, but not everyone has a chronic illness. That statement comes from a place of a lack of empathy, and it really comes off as a way to dismiss the sufferer. It is honestly annoying, especially when you are keeping your stress level down, or you can’t help the amount of stress that is present in your life. It really places all the blame on the individual. No one wants to be blamed for their stress, because some of these factors may be fully outside of your control. Instead: “How can I help?” or “That must be hard to deal with.” 5. “You don’t look sick” What we hear: “Are you sure this is real?”“Are you faking being sick?” “Do you just want sympathy?” Being sick has to be correlated with looking sick for it to seem real for most people. Much of it is a lack of information. Some of it is purely people set in their idea of what sickness looks like. Can we blame them? At the same time, you know your body best, so you don’t need to prove to friends and family that what you experience is real. No one would walk up to someone who has experienced some trauma and say, “You don’t look sick.” Instead: “ Tell me how I can help” or “I may not know everything about your illness, but I would like to know more.” Like most people with an illness that still isn’t fully understood, we’d prefer if you would ask questions, rather than give unsolicited advice. It’s okay to not always have the right words, but also hold back on the assumption that the sufferer hasn’t or isn’t doing enough to improve the effect of chronic disease. Do you suffer with a chronic illness? Share some of the worst things people have said to you?

I spent much of Sunday binge watching Three Women  on Starz. I was prompted to watch the show after seeing lots of ads show up on my social media while scrolling. In one of the ads a woman was talking about how her husband hadn’t touched her in almost three months. I was drawn in and intrigued as she shared her story with so much pain behind her eyes. I needed to know more about her story.  Apparently, there is a book that I have never read and I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. Based on the non-fiction work of Lisa Taddeo, the series explores the lives of three different women as they navigate the complexities of desire, love, trauma, and personal identity. As much as the entire show resonated with me deeply, it was Lina’s story—the woman in the ad all over social media—that truly struck a personal chord. Her journey is a raw, honest portrayal of vulnerability, yearning, and the messy, sometimes painful pursuit of connection and fulfillment. Watching Lina’s narrative unfold, I felt as though parts of my own life were being played out on screen. *** To fully explain why Lina’s character resonates with me, it’s important to summarize the premise of Three Women . The series follows three central characters: Maggie, a young woman whose relationship with a high school teacher has deeply affected her life; Sloane, a successful businesswoman who carefully manages an open marriage; and Lina, a suburban mother of two who is starved for affection and intimacy in a loveless marriage. While each one of these women’s stories is powerful and profound, I found myself especially drawn to Lina. Her emotional experience felt deeply relatable in ways that I hadn’t anticipated. I have never seen a character quite like Lina whose life mirrored mine in so many ways. Lina’s journey helped me confront my unresolved feelings about love, intimacy, and self-worth, making the show feel intensely personal. *** Lina’s story begins with her feeling trapped in a marriage devoid of affection. Her husband, Ed, is an emotionally distant and clueless man who shows little interest in physical intimacy. After years of living at a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness , Lina reaches a breaking point and begins to crave something more—something that makes her feel alive again.  In addition to the deep emotional pain, Lina is also dealing with the physical pain of fibromyalgia —like me—and endometriosis . Lina discovers this at a visit with a rather eccentric doctor who recommends medication, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and a good orgasm. Oh, how I can relate ! The stress of existing in a loveless marriage breeds resentment and anger, stress factors that contribute to a greater likelihood of chronic illnesses. It is no wonder that women experience a higher prevalence of chronic illnesses  and why they initiate most divorces.  One of the rather more intense scenes is when Lina has to call for emergency services from what she thinks may be a heart attack while caring for her two young boys. Ed returns home, only to downplay the events of what happened, and tells Lina that her pain is all in her head. Not only is her emotional pain being disregarded, but her physical pain is being trivialized in a way that furthers the divide between her and her husband. This is the point I think Lina is pushed over the edge and she is willing to lose everything. Watching Lina grapple with these feelings was incredibly emotional for me. It was as though she was voicing thoughts I had struggled to come to terms with in my own past life. At some point, many of us have felt unfulfilled in relationships, whether romantic or otherwise. We’ve sought connection and affection, only to be met with indifference or rejection. Lina’s yearning for touch, passion, for a connection that makes her feel desired, loved, and alive is a peek into the suffering of women globally. Her vulnerability is palpable to the point that I couldn’t even fault her for the questionable decisions she made. She is achingly real. That authenticity is what draws you into Lina’s unstable and almost juvenile world. Her desperation to feel loved, even if fleeting, is truly an act of self-preservation. *** Lina’s affair with Aidan, her high school sweetheart, and what-if guy  is a pivotal part of her story. This is where things get interesting. It is an affair born not out of malice, but out of a desperate need to reclaim a sense of intimacy and self-worth that has long been absent from her life. Embarking on the affair felt like both an act of empowerment and destruction. On one hand, she is finally feeling desired again—she feels alive in a way she hasn’t in years. On the other hand, she is aware that the relationship is precarious, built on the shaky ground of nostalgia and fantasy. Lina is locked in a juvenile state of trauma that in some ways has stunted her emotional growth. A woman in a loveless marriage can sometimes feel like she has nothing to lose and so much to gain by emotionally and physically. What kind of husband deems it acceptable to ignore the intimate needs of his wife?   The type who is willing to lose her. She had been in such a state of unhappiness that she just finally broke free. She would prefer to ask for forgiveness later than permission now.  This tension between Lina’s need for fulfillment and the potentially damaging consequences of her actions hit home. We’ve all experienced moments where we’ve made decisions, knowing they weren’t entirely healthy or sustainable, but feeling like they were necessary for our emotional survival. She sacrificed everything on the grounds of the relationship cemetery called Facebook  when she decided to reconnect with her old flame. *** The societal judgment she faces is somewhere she has been before. As she seeks out intimacy and love beyond her marriage, she is met with criticism, not just from those around her but from herself. She grapples with feelings of guilt and shame for wanting more than what her marriage can provide.  In many ways, Lina’s story is a commentary on the way society often views women who are unfulfilled in their relationships, especially mothers, internalized shame, and the suppression of sexual desire. There’s an unspoken expectation that women should be fulfilled by the responsibility of partnership, motherhood, and having their socio-economic needs met. This kind of thinking is restrictive and prioritizes male pleasure in a way that leaves many dissatisfied housewives feeling that it is taboo to desire intimacy more than their partner. This is not a space where any woman should exist. Lina is the personification of the internal conflict that women go through when they're left to fend for themselves in a way that requires true partnership. She tried building a connection, but Ed refused to listen constructively. Is that to say that I excuse Lina cheating on her husband? Not one bit, but I understand the level of pain she was in that led her there. At some point, something has to give, because living in an unfulfilled marriage is emotional purgatory. *** By the end of Three Women , Lina is far from having all the answers—after all, both she and Aidan are married. She’s still searching for a balance between her needs and her responsibilities, between love and self-respect. But what stands out to me most about her story is her growth. Lina’s journey is one of self-discovery, of learning that she is worthy of love and affection, even if that love doesn’t come in the way she originally imagined. She comes to realize that she doesn’t need to settle for a life of emotional and physical deprivation nor does she have to be a married man’s secret. Despite it all, Lina gives women the permission women to acknowledge their desires and their emotional complexity. She liberates us from the need to center male desire in a way that can be unhealthy inside and outside of a relationship. The overall prize is agency over our minds and bodies and the ability to feel content in the decisions we make. Photo of Lina in a red dress JoJo Whilden/SHOWTIME

Navigating life with a chronic illness can get very difficult. I live with one that I would like to forget about daily. Unfortunately, I am routinely reminded of it by the frequent episodes of morning stiffness, cognitive impairment and sleep disturbances. Life with a chronic illness is unpredictable, painful, frustrating and extremely stressful. The effects take over all aspects of your life in a sometimes indescribable way. As I sit here writing these words at my desk, my neck and shoulders feel like they’re on fire, one of the many effects of my condition. I struggle on many days to maintain my routine, especially when activities are happening for the kids. I had to quit my job earlier this year as a human resources professional. The unbearable pain from driving for long periods, extended periods of sitting, and fibro fog made it difficult to hit the ground running. I made a concerted effort to conserve energy so that I can be present as a mother to my two younger children, but even that did not work. I had to grapple with the fact that I can’t do it all or be it all .  “Life requires two things from us; to be flexible and to be open.” Routines serve a significant purpose in productivity and stability. It is a pathway to achieving goals, maintaining mental health, and fostering a sense of control. However, for people living with chronic illnesses, sticking to a routine can be a complex challenge. Chronic illnesses, characterized by persistent and often fluctuating symptoms, demand a level of flexibility and adaptation that conventional routines rarely accommodate. For this reason, we can explore the many ways in which chronic illnesses complicate maintaining routines, and explore strategies to navigate these difficulties. The Nature of Chronic Illnesses Chronic illnesses encompass a wide range of conditions, including autoimmune diseases like lupus and rheumatoid arthritis , metabolic disorders such as diabetes , and neurological conditions like multiple sclerosis and of course, fibromyalgia . These illnesses often present with symptoms that can vary dramatically from day to day or even hour to hour. Cognitive impairment, pain, fatigue, and digestive issues are just a few examples of symptoms that can interfere with daily activities.  Chronic illnesses persist over long periods, often for a lifetime. This means that individuals with chronic illnesses must constantly balance our health needs with other life responsibilities, such as work, family, and social commitments. The Challenge of Unpredictability One of the most significant challenges to maintaining a routine for people with chronic illnesses is unpredictability . Flare-ups, which are a sudden and severe increase of symptoms, make the simplest tasks like getting out of bed or preparing a meal, or even taking a shower feel almost impossible.  A few months ago, I started working out with a friend two times per week, but after about a month of consistently showing up, a flare made these plans impossible. As part of my care routine , I continued working out at home, but I have yet to return to working out with my friend. Part of it is that I do not want to cancel future appointments due to another flare, so to avoid that kind of conversation I simply have decided to stick to working out alone or at home. Energy Management: The Spoon Theory Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory is a widely accepted metaphor that illustrates the energy limitations experienced by people with chronic illnesses. According to this theory, individuals have a limited number of "spoons" representing units of energy available for daily activities. Healthy individuals typically have a seemingly unlimited supply, but those with chronic illnesses must carefully ration their spoons to get through the day.  For instance, taking a shower, cooking breakfast, or driving to work all require spoons. Once these spoons are used up, the person may be too exhausted to continue with other planned activities. This constant need to prioritize and conserve energy makes it challenging to stick to a fixed routine. The Mental Health Component One of the big hits of living with a chronic illness is the significant toll it takes on your mental health. Conditions like depression and anxiety are common among individuals with chronic illnesses, partly due to the ongoing stress and uncertainty associated with our health.  These mental health fluctuations can further complicate the ability to stick to a routine. On days when depression is overwhelming, the motivation to complete even routine tasks can be non-existent. Anxiety can cause people to overextend themselves in an attempt to compensate for perceived shortcomings , leading to burnout and an inability to maintain a consistent schedule. Social and Professional Impacts The difficulty in maintaining a routine can have broad social and professional implications. For instance, I struggled at times to meet the expectations of my previous employer who needed consistency and reliability. This led to me feeling insecure about my position and a loss of professional identity . I frequently questioned if I was cut out for this, but then downplayed how my chronic illness played a significant role in my performance.  Socially, the unpredictable nature of chronic illnesses can strain relationships. Friends and family may not always understand why we have to cancel plans frequently or why we might need to rest instead of participating in activities. This can lead to feeling isolated and frustrated. Adapting Routines to Fit Individual Needs Given these challenges, it's crucial for people with chronic illnesses to develop adaptable routines that account for our unique health needs. Here are some strategies that can help: 1. Flexibility is Key Rigid routines are often impractical for those with chronic illnesses. Instead, flexible routines that allow for adjustments based on daily health fluctuations are more effective. This might mean having multiple versions of a routine: one for high-energy days, another for low-energy days, and a third for days when symptoms are particularly severe. 2. Prioritization and Delegation Identifying the most critical tasks and focusing on those can help conserve energy. Delegation is also vital. When possible, delegating tasks to others can alleviate the burden. If you live alone or cannot delegate much to others professionally, I encourage leaving critical tasks for another day and communicate your need for help from supervisors.  3. Momentum over Motivation Prominent podcaster Mel Robbins speaks eloquently about creating massive momentum in situations of anxiety and depression, On your way to doing hard things, you will lose motivation, but momentum on the other hand is what can sustain you. Getting in the habit of completing small tasks that accomplish big goals is a way forward for sufferers of chronic illness sufferers. 4. Incorporating Rest and Recovery Scheduling regular breaks and rest periods into the daily routine can help manage fatigue. This might include short naps, meditation, EFT tapping or simply quiet time to recharge. 5. Using Technology for Assistance There are numerous apps and tools designed to help with task management and scheduling. These can provide reminders, track symptoms, and help plan activities around fluctuating energy levels. Examples include health tracking apps that monitor symptoms and provide data that can be shared with healthcare providers. 6. Building a Support Network Having a strong support network is invaluable. A therapist or support groups either in-person or online, can provide a sense of community and understanding. If you’re fortunate, friends and family can offer practical assistance and emotional support, making it easier to navigate the challenges of daily life. 7. Self-Compassion and Acceptance Perhaps one of the most important aspects of managing a routine with a chronic illness is self-compassion. This is something that I actively had to work on in therapy. It's vital for us  to recognize our limitations and not judge ourselves harshly for needing rest or being unable to stick to a routine. Acceptance of our condition and its impact on daily life can reduce stress and improve overall well-being. Sticking to a routine is undeniably challenging for people with chronic illnesses. The unpredictable nature of these conditions, coupled with the need to manage energy and mental health, requires a flexible and compassionate approach. Ultimately, the goal is to find a balance that allows for the best possible quality of life, despite the limitations.

There’s something magical about how the simplest things in life can bring people together. A slice of pizza, a shared passion for art and literature, children, and the warmth of a growing friendship. A few months ago, my girls and I met up with my new acquaintance and her middle school-aged daughter at a local family-owned pizza shop near one of our favorite parks in our neighborhood. We got to indulge in some good pizza and conversation. The girls and I came prepared with our art supplies in tow because, after all, we are serious painters at home. The kids gravitated to each other with such ease and chatted about school and the difficulties of navigating friendships in the way only children can. Meanwhile, the adults navigated the same subject with a little more humor and pessimism. While I sat at that table, I asked myself, " At what point do adults lose their ability to form new friendships as easily as children do? " There’s a bittersweet magic to childhood friendships—the way they form effortlessly over shared art, a love for the same cartoon, or simply sitting next to each other at lunch. Somewhere along the way, though, this natural ease fades. Making new friends as an adult isn’t impossible, but it feels less like a spontaneous spark and more like an awkward slow burn. But at what point does this shift happen? When do we go from forming friendships as easily as breathing to realizing that, suddenly, making new connections requires deliberate effort? By the time we reach our 30s and beyond, friendships require much more intention. The Friendship Curve: A Gradual Shift Friendship researchers (yes, that’s a real thing!) suggest that our ability to make friends doesn’t disappear entirely—it simply evolves with life circumstances. In our late teens and early 20s, we experience a friendship era  where college, first jobs, roommates, and frequent social events create an environment where friendships form naturally, largely due to constant proximity. By our mid-to-late 20s, however, a slow decline begins as people move for jobs, relationships become more serious, and social circles tighten. The idea of “going out just to meet new people” sounds appealing in theory but often loses to the comfort of Netflix and pajamas. By the time we reach our 30s and beyond, friendships require much more intention. With careers, families, and endless responsibilities in the mix, the effortless connections of youth are replaced by meticulously scheduled meetups, where making plans often means finding a rare free weekend six weeks in advance. Deep friendships require openness, but adults tend to build walls. Why does Making Friends get Harder? As children, friendships form naturally through forced proximity—school, sports teams, and neighborhood playdates provide endless opportunities to bond, but as adults, however, there’s no built-in playground for making new connections. Our workplaces can be hit or miss for friendships, and hobbies require time that many don’t have. Even when the opportunity arises, the “effort vs. energy” dilemma comes into play—forming a friendship as an adult often feels like dating without the romance. It requires putting ourselves out there, finding common ground, and nurturing the relationship, but after long days of work, parenting, or managing a household, so many of us simply don’t have the energy to start fresh. Over time, our priorities shift, and friendships that were once central to our lives gradually take a backseat to careers, family, and personal responsibilities. Many of us also experience the social circle lock-in, where we feel our friendship slots are already filled, or at least, our emotional bandwidth is stretched too thin to maintain new connections. Instead of expanding our circles, we focus on maintaining the friendships we already have. Vulnerability becomes even harder—deep friendships require openness, but many adults tend to build walls. There's such irony in the fact that while we tend to gain more confidence in ourselves as we age, we can become more socially self-conscious, causing fear of rejection, and a tendency to stick to small talk rather than sharing dreams and struggles. This makes it difficult to form the deep bonds that once came so easily. How do Adults Actually Make New Friends? Despite these challenges, making new friends as an adult is still possible—it just requires more effort and intention. Here are some ways adults successfully form friendships: One way to maintain connections is by embracing the “scheduled friendship” —spontaneous hangouts may be rare, but prioritizing friendships by planning regular meet-ups, even if it’s just a monthly coffee date, helps keep bonds strong. Another key approach is saying “yes” more often ; while declining invitations is easy, accepting them—whether it’s a coworker’s happy hour, a community event, or a group outing—creates opportunities for new connections. Since childhood friendships often formed through shared environments, adults can find their modern-day playground  by joining book clubs, fitness classes, parent groups, or online communities where natural connections can develop. However, building new friendships isn’t always necessary—sometimes, reconnecting with old friends  can be just as fulfilling. A simple message like “Hey, I was thinking about you—how have you been?” can reopen meaningful relationships. Most importantly, being open and vulnerable  is key to forming deeper bonds. True friendships don’t thrive on small talk alone but on shared experiences, genuine curiosity, and a willingness to be authentic. Taking small risks—whether it’s sharing something personal, offering help, or simply making the effort to connect—can turn acquaintances into lasting friends. The Truth About Adult Friendships There’s no exact age when forming new friendships becomes “hard,” but the shift is real. It happens gradually, as life fills with responsibilities and our social circles stabilize. But while it may not be effortless  anymore, friendship remains just as essential to our well-being as ever. The key isn’t to lament the loss of easy friendships—it’s to embrace the new way they form. With a little intention, a bit of bravery, and a few more scheduled coffee dates, deep and meaningful friendships are still within reach. Photo by @loseyourself /Freepik What about you? Have you found it harder to make friends as you’ve gotten older? Let’s talk in the comments.  😊

It is a Saturday morning and my girls are still with their dad. My back hurts, my neck hurts, pretty much every inch of my body hurts. There are groceries from last night still sitting on my kitchen floor. Thankfully I had the strength to put away the perishables while everything else stayed in the bags. All I was able to do, was eat a bowl of cereal, brush my teeth and crawl into bed. I overdid it the day before. I went shopping for groceries and I had to run a few errands. The constant lifting of bags did a number. I knew I shouldn’t have been doing this but these were errands that needed to be done. It’s moments like this that remind me of how terrible it is having a chronic illness. It is the pain, the unpredictability of that pain, and the fatigue. Even with that said, having a chronic illness has taught my children and I so much.  Here are the three most valuable lessons my children and I are learning from my chronic illness.  1. The value and importance of self-care I am honestly not the best person when it comes to self-care, but recently I have begun doing a better job. I am learning more and more to make myself a priority and as I am doing that, I am getting the girls involved in the process.  Daily breathing exercises have long been a part of our lives. I do it daily to center myself and to calm my frustrations and anxiety, since that is very important to maintaining a low stress lifestyle. I started doing it with the girls as a way to teach them to manage their emotions and to mitigate their own frustrations. Childhood is hard.  We have also been doing stretching exercises at least twice a week and we dance every night after dinner. The girls love it. On Sundays we also try to do some physical self-care. By doing these things, I am motivated to maintain my self-care routine, and I am teaching my girls about making themselves a priority. 2. Respecting boundaries When I am experiencing a flare and I am in extreme pain, it is hard to be the best mom. It is hard to explain to my children that I can’t pick you up or let you hang on me in a way that is painful for me, but I have to set physical boundaries. I am riddled with guilt at times, because all they see is that mommy can't play with us.I do the best I can to explain what is happening to me in that moment in language they understand, even though it does not minimize how they feel. Over the years, I have gotten better with talking to them and requesting that they be gentle with mommy’s body. I teach them how to hug me. My older daughter has even begun offering to give me massages. She even tells her little sister to be gentle with mom.  Every flare does not always garner that response. Some days they get very upset, but I just keep reminding them that I need a little time to feel better. I have even found that just letting them lay in bed with me makes a world of a difference. I am learning it is okay for me to ask my children for space in order to feel better. I don’t have to always be involved in all their activities. That also helps them develop some independence, which is an excellent thing. 3. Compassion for self and others This is a word I have been hearing a lot of in therapy and it is directed to myself. I realized that I am not necessarily the most compassionate to myself. It is amazing how as humans we can show compassion to others, but don’t always show it to ourselves. As a parent, I am an overachiever. I want my children to be outdoors daily, exposed to arts and culture, participate in extracurricular activities, help them academically and be a nurturing mother who never raises her voice. This is barely possible for a mother who doesn’t have a chronic illness, yet here I am trying to accomplish all these things when my brain is screaming pain and fatigue. I have been learning to not put so much pressure on myself to fit this ideal. Some days I will not meet the mark and that is okay. I have overcompensated when I am well for when I may not be well. What I need to strive for is balance. All of this is also teaching my children to care for others. My five year old, who is a naturally empathetic child is becoming cognizant of what I go through, and displays a lot of compassion toward me during these times. My younger daughter is slowly learning and I know she is getting there. We are truly a work in progress. As much as I do not enjoy one ounce of living with fibromyalgia pain, I am grateful for what my kids and I are learning from it. I believe that I am giving them the tools to be great human beings who put themselves first and extend kindness and compassion to others. Photo of my artwork

Being a substitute teacher was not something I planned, but rather a role I fell into. I know this is a temporary stop in my journey, and it is one of the best decisions I have made. Prior to coming into this position, I was recovering from post concussion syndrome due to an encounter with the trunk of my car on a rainy October night. This not only caused the worst pain I ever experienced in my life, but also exacerbated the symptoms of my fibromyalgia . I was having frequent medical appointments not only for myself, but also for one of my daughters who was going through her own health crisis. This caused me to request quite a few late arrivals or early dismissals at my previous job. I was also experiencing bouts of chronic fatigue and brain fog that made concentrating at work difficult. I felt depleted and defeated to the point where I felt I could no longer fulfill the demands of my position. I finally made the decision to hand in my resignation and that was the best decision I made. I had no idea what was going to happen next, except I was tired of feeling unfulfilled. I was ready to start something that gave me true flexibility, autonomy, and where I wasn’t being made to feel that I wasn’t good enough. I was drawn to substitute teaching based on a combination of my life experiences, personal values, and a desire to make a difference in the lives of young people. What better place can I make an impact and feel some semblance of control in my day to day life?! Here are the reasons I have chosen to be a substitute teacher. Familiar Territory When I first moved to the United States, I worked as a nanny/babysitter for about ten years before moving into the corporate world. I still remember the money I made working in that role! That’s a story for another day. When I finally decided to cut the cord in childcare, I had different aspirations. I envisioned a more conventional career path, one that might offer more stability or higher financial rewards. But life has a way of steering us in directions we never anticipated. My journey into education began not with a career plan, but with a series of small, seemingly unrelated experiences that planted the seeds. When I worked in childcare, people frequently stopped to ask if I was a teacher. I quickly quipped no and I have no plans of ever going into such a thankless role. Boy, did the future have a big surprise for me. When my children started school, I always wanted to be actively involved in their school life. I attended all the parent teacher association (PTA) meetings, joined the Equity Committee and the Student Leadership Team (SLT), all of which were meant to empower parents and our school community. At the time, I thought of it as just another way to give back to the community—a way to fill my time with something meaningful. But what I didn’t realize was how much those interactions would impact me. I also showed up to read to my daughters’ classmates, help at breakfast and was even the unofficial face painter at some activities. The way they would be so excited to see me when I came in gave me such joy. These small moments began to add up, and I found myself looking forward to my time with them. A Desire to Make a Difference As I continued to work in the committees and with the kids, I saw the gaps in the education system more clearly. As we discussed subjects of equity and helping in the recruitment of students and staff of a more diverse population, I saw that schools need individuals who genuinely care about the success of their students. This realization sparked something in me. I began to think about how I could play a larger role in the lives of students, how I could help bridge those gaps, and provide the support they so desperately needed. That’s when the idea of substitute teaching came into play. I thought about it, but the timing wasn’t right. I was contemplating a move with my family to another city, so the salary from my job at the time was a necessity. Once I moved to my new city and tested out a new job in Human Resources, I resigned from that role. This was now the perfect time to pursue substitute teaching. This opportunity allowed me to be in the classroom, interact with students, and make an impact, all while giving me the flexibility to explore my options. Flexibility and Freedom One of the biggest appeals of substitute teaching is the flexibility it offers. Unlike a full-time teaching position, which requires a long-term commitment to one classroom and a specific curriculum, substitute teaching allows for a more varied experience. This was particularly appealing to me as someone with an unpredictable chronic illness and the co-parent of young children who does not have a support system around us. As a substitute teacher, I have the freedom to work across different grade levels and subjects, which has given me a broad perspective on the educational system as a whole. One day, I might be teaching elementary school students how to add and subtract, and the next, I could be discussing Shakespeare with high school seniors. This variety keeps the job exciting and allows me to continually learn and grow as an educator. My partner and I were able to coordinated our schedules where he would do morning drop offs and I would do the afternoon pick ups. I appreciate not having to rush out from work to pick up my children. I am able to easily cancel jobs when crises or health matters arise without feeling like I was causing massive disappointment to my colleagues. Additionally, the flexibility of substitute teaching has allowed me to pursue other interests and commitments outside of the classroom. Whether it’s furthering my education, working on personal projects like this blog or spending time with family, substitute teaching provides a work-life balance that is often hard to find in other careers. Building Relationships with Students One of the most rewarding aspects of being a substitute teacher is the relationships I’ve been able to build with students. Though I may be in different classes every day, I’ve found that even in these brief interactions, there’s an opportunity to make a meaningful connection. Amazingly, the group of students I feared the most—high schoolers—have turned out to be the most rewarding. There’s something special about being the “new” teacher in the room. Students are often curious and eager to see how the day will go, and this gives me a unique opportunity to engage with them in a fresh way. I’ve learned that being a good substitute teacher isn’t just about following the lesson plan left by the regular teacher; it’s about bringing your own energy, creativity, and compassion into the classroom. Over time, I’ve developed a knack for quickly reading the room, understanding the dynamics of each class, and finding ways to connect with students. Whether it’s through a shared interest in sports, a love of books, or simply taking the time to listen to their stories, I’ve been able to build rapport with students that often leads to positive learning experiences. I remember one particular instance where I had a particularly difficult third grade class. The disruptions were out of control. There was a group who were amazing, but a few others who were arguing with each other. I was in my second week and completely unprepared for that. By the end of the day I was able to pull everyone together to listen to a story time that they very much enjoyed and participated in. Moments like these remind me of why I chose this path. Facing the Challenges Of course, substitute teaching isn’t without its challenges. There are days when it feels like everything is going wrong. These days can be frustrating and leave you questioning whether you’re making any impact at all. But I’ve come to realize that these challenges are part of what makes the role so important. Being a substitute teacher requires adaptability, patience, and resilience. It’s about being able to walk into a classroom of strangers and quickly establish a sense of order and trust. It’s about being willing to learn on the fly and not being afraid to admit when you don’t have all the answers. Personal Growth and Fulfillment Substitute teaching not only allows me to make a difference in the lives of students but has also been a profound journey of personal growth. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone, challenged my assumptions, and taught me more about myself than I ever could have imagined. It has also made me a more confident public speaker, with a level of assertiveness that I never had before. Through this role, I also have a deeper understanding of the lives of children and teenagers. I’ve come to appreciate the diverse backgrounds and experiences that students bring to the classroom, and how these differences shape their learning. I take pride in trusting my judgment when it comes to my interactions with students, especially when all they need is a little empathy. Moreover, substitute teaching has given me a sense of fulfillment that I hadn’t found in previous jobs. There’s a unique joy in knowing that, even if it's just for a day, you’ve made a positive impact on a child’s life. Whether it’s helping a student grasp a difficult concept, offering a word of encouragement, or simply being a positive presence in their day, these small acts add up to something much greater. I’ve come to appreciate the unique position that substitute teachers hold—we’re not just fill-ins, but integral parts of the educational ecosystem, providing support and stability when it’s needed most. Most importantly, it has shown me that sometimes, the best decisions are the ones that aren’t planned. It has given me my life back in a way that I could not foresee. Even though this may just be a pit stop, I will value the lessons that this profession has taught me. I will continue to make a difference—one classroom at a time.

I recently stepped into my closet thinking it was time for a wardrobe refresh. I’m not one to chase trends—I naturally gravitate toward timeless pieces. I wasn’t looking for a dramatic overhaul, just a slow and intentional shift toward higher-quality essentials to replace what I already own. As I considered editing my wardrobe, my eyes landed on my wraps and scarves. That’s when it hit me—for most of this winter, I’ve been reaching for head wraps. Head coverings have been woven into my personal style for decades, but in that moment, I realized they weren’t just an accessory; they were the  missing piece. When I wear them, I feel elegant, beautiful, and completely at home in my skin. Headscarves: As Timeless as Style Itself Across cultures and generations, headscarves have held deep significance. While they can be a simple fashion statement, they’ve also long served a practical purpose—protecting against the elements, especially for those with curly hair. For some, they carry religious or cultural meaning, symbolizing tradition, faith, or personal identity. Whether embraced or misunderstood, wearing a headscarf is an intimate, intentional choice. And for me, they’ve become a signature of my style. Here are seven of my favorite ways to wear a headscarf: Raamin Ka/Unsplash 1. Loose Scarf Casually draped over the head and shoulders for an effortlessly elegant look. Drape a lightweight or silky scarf over your head, letting the ends hang freely over your shoulders. Adjust the scarf so it loosely frames your face and cascades down your back. You can tuck one side behind your ear for a relaxed, modern feel. Et voilà. For a simple tutorial watch this video from YowItsFariin to 40 seconds. Christian Vierig/Getty Images 2. Low Bun Wrap You can never lose with a low bun. Perfect for a polished yet relaxed look. I love using a stretchy cotton fabric for this style because it prevents the fabric from slipping as the day goes by. Start by pulling your hair into a low bun at the nape of your neck. Fold a rectangular scarf into a wide band and place it over your head, covering your ears. Cross the ends at the back and wrap them around the bun before securing them with a knot. This look frames the face beautifully for a great finish. Gotham/GC Images 3. Rosette Turban The twisted floral knot at the crown for a chic and regal statement. Begin by wrapping a long scarf around your head, covering your hair completely. Twist both ends tightly and coil them into a spiral, forming a rosette at the top or side of your head. Tuck the loose ends underneath the wrap for a secure hold. Watch from the one minute to about two minute mark from Inno Manchidi . Yuna/MyIOU 4. Classic Turban A classic turban is sleek, timeless, and effortlessly chic. It is a great everyday look, but very sophisticated when paired with the right fabric and outfit. Start with a long scarf and place the middle section at the front of your head and tie in one knot. Open in a flattened position and wrap all the way around the head. As you come to the end of the fabric, find a slot to tuck the ends in. Repeat that step for the remaining loose piece of fabric from the other side. Watch Mishka for a step-by-step tutorial on a classic turban . @findingpaola/Instagram 5. High Wrap  The high wrap is piled high for a bold and regal appearance. This is great for any hair length. Gather your hair into a high bun or use a volumizing cap for extra height. Place a long scarf at the nape of your neck and bring both ends to the front. Twist the ends together tightly, then wrap them around the base of your bun before tucking them in securely. Watch this video from Finding Paola for a full tutorial . For long hair check out this video from Mairaly from 3:12 to 3:55. Getty Images 6. Bandana Style This is a casual, vintage-inspired look that works for any occasion. Fold a square scarf into a triangle and place it over your head. Tie the two longest ends at the nape of your neck or under your chin for a classic finish. Adjust the front for a snug but comfortable fit, leaving a little volume for a softer look. This is truly one of the second most simple ways to wear a scarf. And what really beats a beautifully printed scarf for the spring and summer?! Chance Yeh/Getty Images for Hanley Mellon 7. The Side Knot This is a playful, asymmetrical take on the headscarf. Fold a rectangular scarf into a wide band and place it at the back of your head. Bring both ends to one side and tie them into a secure knot. Let the ends drape over your shoulder, or tuck them in for a sleek look. To achieve this look watch Tiffany for a great demonstration from 1:44 to the end of the video. Each of these styles brings its own charm, and I love experimenting with them depending on my mood or outfit. Do you wear headscarves? What’s your favorite way to style them? Feature photo Tim Hunter/Newspix/Getty Images

For more than half my life, I have worked closely with both young children and teenagers—whether as a nanny, a substitute teacher, or in some other support role. I’ve had a front-row seat to the evolving needs of kids as they grow. One thing I’ve observed over and over again is that the children who thrive, both socially and academically, are the ones whose parents intentionally equip them with strong communication skills, emotional intelligence, and an understanding of social dynamics. The not so big secret is that adaptability is the name of the game. Our kids are not just growing up in our neighborhoods or within the walls of our homes; they are growing up in the wider society where their social skills, emotional intelligence, and their ability to navigate different environments matter. The need for these skills becomes more transparent as they become teenagers and are even more necessary as adults when they head to college and eventually the workforce. The inability to hone in on those skills can impair their growth personally and it makes a collective difference in the direction of our society. Let’s talk about four important elements of how we can raise decent humans who can thrive in any environment: 1. Encourage Questions, But Set Firm Boundaries One of the most important things we can do as a parent is to create an environment where our child(ren) feel comfortable asking questions. When kids feel like their thoughts and opinions matter, they develop confidence and a love for learning. But here’s where balance is key: Not everything is up for negotiation. I’ve seen many well-meaning parents blur the lines between open communication and giving kids too much control. While it’s great for kids to question the world around them, they also need to understand that some rules exist to keep things functioning, whether at home, in school, or in society. For example, a child might ask, “Why do I have to go to bed at 9 p.m.?” Instead of shutting them down with “Because I said so,” you could explain that their body needs rest to function well in school the next day. But if they keep pushing to stay up until midnight, that’s where the conversation ends. Some things are non-negotiable because they serve a bigger purpose. The same applies to other family rules—whether it’s contributing to household chores, limiting screen time, or showing respect to elders. Parents should stand firm in their decisions while allowing space for discussions. 2. Model Social and Emotional Intelligence Kids learn more from what we do than what we say. If we want them to be emotionally intelligent and socially aware, we have to model those behaviors ourselves. I’ve worked with children who struggle to express their emotions because they’ve never seen adults around them do so in a healthy way. I’ve also worked with teenagers who lash out because they never learned how to regulate their feelings. Emotional intelligence—the ability to understand and manage one’s own emotions while also being attuned to others’ emotions—is one of the biggest indicators of long-term success. Kids who develop strong emotional intelligence tend to build healthier relationships, navigate conflict more effectively, and adapt better to change and setbacks. Also, the more you model social and emotional intelligence, the more your child will internalize those behaviors and apply them in their own interactions. 3. Teach Them How to Code-Switch This might be one of the most underrated skills in raising socially competent kids. Code-switching isn’t simply about moving from Ebonics to standard English, but also encompasses the ability to adapt speech, tone, and behavior based on the social setting, is a survival skill in today’s world. Your child needs to understand that how they talk and joke with their friends is not how they should speak to a teacher, employer, or elder. The way they conduct themselves at a family gathering is different from how they should behave in a professional setting. Self-expression is great, but situational awareness is key. I’ve worked with teenagers who struggled with this because no one ever taught them that different environments require different versions of themselves. Some kids assume they can bring the same casual, slang-heavy, or overly familiar energy they use with friends into the workplace, which can hurt their opportunities . By making this a normal part of their upbringing, you equip them with a skill that will serve them for life. 4. Good Manners Are Social Currency Manners might seem old-fashioned to some, but they remain one of the most powerful social tools a person can have. A child who learns early on how to be polite, respectful, and considerate will make a strong impression on adults and authority figures, be more likely to receive help and mentorship, navigate professional and personal relationships with ease. I’ve seen firsthand how small acts of politeness—saying “please” and “thank you,” holding the door for someone, writing a thank-you note—can open doors for kids and teens. Many adults take notice when a young person carries themselves with respect and dignity, and these impressions often translate into opportunities. Raising a child who understands the value of kindness and respect gives them a distinct advantage. Final Thoughts I’ve had the privilege of working with children across various age groups, and I can say with certainty that the most adaptable children and young adults are the ones whose parents are intentional about these lessons. The world is always changing, but the fundamental skills that help children thrive remain the same. So, keep leading by example, keep having those important conversations, and trust that the lessons you instill today will serve your child well for a lifetime. Aubre in Between is a reader-supported publication. If my work has encouraged you, please consider becoming a paid subscriber  🤎

Originally published: 03/27/21 Revised: 05/01/25 May is here and the summer is about to begin. With all that sunlight and better weather, we have more opportunities to be outdoors. Increasing serotonin requires no grand gestures , but with so many of us still spending hours at a time indoors, it is still important to be intentional about engaging in serotonin-boosting activities. They just need to be small repetitive acts that become habits. Here are 4 ways to boost serotonin and your overall well-being: 1. Go for long walks outside There is nothing better than communing with nature. The quiet, the stillness and the solitude have a way of clearing the mind of all the clutter. When done well, a long walk allows you to let your mind float, and just really immerse in what can feel like a moment to exhale. Psychologists...suggest that a 10-minute walk may be just as good as a 45-minute workout. If a short walk has such a great benefit, imagine the benefits of longer walks. Bask in nature. Enjoy a great view if you’re lucky enough and savor living in the moment. 2. Exercise Exercise promotes health throughout the body and is also shown to increase brain serotonin function, increasing overall mood. The experience of fatigue during exercise is associated with elevated brain tryptophan and serotonin synthesis. Physical exertion also acts as a distraction from stressors. Whether it’s brisk walking, jogging, or even swimming, whatever way you choose to exercise serves as a way to activate the production of serotonin. 3. Enjoy some bright light Exposure to bright light is another approach to increasing serotonin. A few studies suggest that bright light is an effective treatment for nonseasonal depression. There was also a positive correlation between serotonin synthesis and the hours of sunlight on the day the measurements were made, independent of season. Regardless of whether it’s a cloudy or sunny day, light exposure from the outdoors is truly beneficial to improving your mood. 4. Meditate and visualize Meditation can be life changing for those who choose to practice. The good thing is that you do not have to be an expert at the practice, to reap the benefits of its serotonin boosting effect. Changing your mood can be difficult to shift sometimes, but something as simple as redirecting your thoughts from a place of stress to a positive experience can do the trick. Visualizing a happy moment, a place or a person that induces positive thoughts is a great way to increased the levels of serotonin in the brain. Add some deep breathing and you’re now in your happy place. Try to make these four strategies a part of your daily life. and see the transformation. What do you do to improve your mood?

There are always those few things in life that take you back to your childhood, and more often than not, it’s food. Sausages on toast was one of them. The real special touch was that sausages were sautéed with onions and bell peppers. Here’s the simple recipe. Sautéed sausages Ingredients 2 sausages half a small onion half of a bell pepper 3/4-1 tablespoon vegetable oil 1-2 tablespoons ketchup a touch of black pepper (optional) Instructions Cut sausages diagonally or horizontally. Place vegetable oil, onion and pepper in a saucepan at medium heat Sautée till onions become translucent Add sausages, ketchup and black pepper (optional) Mix thoroughly for 3-4 minutes I usually serve on sourdough toast with soft scrambled eggs. You can make it your own. It’s simple, and every bite is delicious.